Everyone run! Godzilla has returned! He's attacking the city! Oh my god, he just ripped through all our power lines! He's eating an entire skyscraper! Oh no, he's destroying my favorite nightclub! And he's got a really hot girl in his claws! Look, he's insulting her, and calling her fat- SHE JUST BOUGHT HIM A DRINK! He's getting her number IT'S AN EMERGENCY! GODZILLA IS ATTACKING TOKYO AND HE'S A PIMP DUDE WHO PULLS HOT CHICKS!!!!

We've gotta warn everyone. Quickly, get all the children to the safehouses. Where's the military? I've gotta get to a phone. No! The lines are out! Jesus. Oh God, he's turning this way! He just winked at some chick he doesn't even know! And then he ate a tank! Run for your lives! He's not going to have to wait in any of the lines to destroy all the popular clubs and eat all the models who frequent them. He'll have the entire nightlife here wiped out in under an hour, unless we do something. He just popped his collar as a joke and now he's able to pretend he isn't a douche even though he just stomped on a school bus and has a popped collar. He's a clever monster, I'll give him that.

Keep the women away! Don't let them get to close or else they'll start making out with each other for attention in front of the irresistibly self-assured roars! This is a nightmare-look at how he jokingly lies about what he does to those girls and totally admits he's an asshole-how does that even work?! If only we had his ex-girlfriend here to ruin it for him, or a naggy roommate, or little brother…wait-what about Mecha-Godzilla!? Everyone knows robotic clones of monsters can never get laid. Quick, Japanese scientists- build me a towering loser worthy of Zach Braff!

Yes, let's see what happens once we unleash this nerdy, self-deprecating monster on our charming destructor. Hah! And look! Mothra has flown in as well, to protect us all. Thank goodness for kind-hearted giant moths with stupid, obvious names. Wait a minute…oh no. Dear God, not that. Anything but that! Jesus, run for your lives! THEY'RE EIFFEL TOWERING MOTHRA! OH GOD, THE HUMANITY! THE HUMANITY!

By Michael J. Weingarth