Ladies and gentlemen of the academic community, please turn a reverent ear to my voice and listen to the tale of your messiah, for He has arrived. Long have you been unjustly harassed by the men and women of that totalitarian establishment commonly referred to as "the law". Long have you been kept from doing that which brings you pleasure and happiness. Long has Johnny Law stood in the way of your right to get bombed.

BUT BROTHERS AND SISTERS, OUR DAY IS HERE! Rise up with the College Christ of ASU, and say with him, "F*ck you, pig!" Feel his pain, for it is your pain! Throw your ping pong balls of righteous rebellion! The establishment can no longer keep us sober!

Abraham Lincoln. Gandhi. Malcolm X. Great men, all. They fought for the freedom of their fellow man, for his right to live as he so pleased. And finally, their fourth coming is here. He has many government contacts, and a lawyer who went to Harvard. The pigs are woefully mistaken to challenge him. HA! The College Christ laughs at them! Next time you are unlawfully detained for wrecking your liver, join your brother in our common cry, "How much did you get laid in highschool, huh? None? Me, a lot," and watch the porksmile slide off that pig's face!

Underage drinkers across the nation, live in fear no more. Your salvation is at hand.