As a veteran of online dating I know the secret of finding success: play the numbers. The more girls you reach out to, the greater the odds that you are going to meet that special someone.

But who has time to read all those profiles? I'll tell you who, a guy named Notme McSomeoneelseington.

So I have prepared the following generic letter. However because these women are all unique snowflakes, some customization is necessary:

Hey there, I'm a little new to this, I'm pretty sure this is how you send out a message on (NAME OF DATING SITE)

I was a little hesitant to use this for the first time ever, what with my real-world success rate. (4 and a half successes this fiscal year)

But then I read your profile.

When I read that you "enjoy going out on the town but also like to stay in and watch a movie," I said to myself "if this gal also says she likes travel and/or her family I'm totally going to take a crap in my pants."

Don't worry, I didn't really, I just added that because you said you like guys with a sense of humor.

I think it's great that you're a teacher. Those kids must be a real handful! Look forward to hearing all about them, but not on a school night!

I also noticed you want a guy that can "keep up with you in a conversation."

I was all like "Whoa! This chick has got to be crazy smart!" 

Well I gotsta go, this girl I used to date won't stop calling me. In closing, I just want to say that I really liked your profile, epically the picture.

If you are the hot one in that group of five girls, we should totally hang out.

Hope you have a good (DAY OF THE WEEK)!