Our parents feared the soviets, swimming in a body of water that looked deepenough to hide Jaws, Mushroom clouds and retaliation from the moon. Ourgrandparents survived the Great Depression, two world wars and the devils newmusic. While our great grandparents fled from Napoleon and Alexander the Great,or whatever. But aside from the usual things like Madcow, Super politicalcandidates, Terrorists on planes, and the Oxygen Network. Our generation hashad little to be afraid of. So here are 6 new things that you can officiallypanic about.
1. Homeless people who want to shake your hand
Just when you thought giving away money was the worst thing homeless peoplecould ask you to do, they come up with this. Once in a while, if a homelessguys really nice or has some special skill like juggling syringes in the rain,Ill throw a few cents his way. But I draw the line at shaking hands andtouching For all the homeless people reading this, (Cause im sure you allhave brand new Dells hiding in your cardboard box my nickels are paying for.. )Please know that I have nothing against you personally. I'm just playing theodds that you have some horrific contagious disease.
2. Cross fire between Pirates and Ninjas
It was bound to happen eventually and the ticking bomb finally went off when anepic battle between Ninjas and Pirates broke out as a Japanese tanker, probablycarrying magical charms and gold was hijacked by Somalian Pirates off the coastof Africa. Coalition navel forces in the area searchedfor the ship but it entered Somalian territorial waters and disappeared fordays. It's not yet known whether or not the crew had enough time to vanish intothe shadows or declare their 5 stealth bonus and get their free turn But todaythe ultimate fate of ships on our waterways is a little more uncertain.
3. Fourteen foot Burmese pythons
In the span of two weeks last year in Miami,three enormous Burmese pythons were found or captured. The first one tried toswallow an entire alligator and exploded halfway through. Scientists predictthat this is also how Ann Coulter will die. The second one was captured alivein someone's backyard after eating an old ladies outdoor cat, which was really adick move no matter who you ask. Now, the other 103 cats she owns live with thefear, not knowing which one of them's going to disappear next.. The latestpython was also captured alive, this time in a fish pond, and, under Floridasstrict trespassing laws, it will be released immediately back into the RepublicanParty.
4. Perfect storms.
In the past couple of years you've seen what a place a god would go if he hadto stop doing blow would look like after it sinks under rising waters. You'vehad to plan your day around puddles and snow drifts strategically dotted infront of your door. While every time a new holiday is just around the corner,every last one of you is looking around for the next ugly kid you need to kickover the side of that local volcano, hoping to hell there are enough people outthere with the same idea as you trying to bring about that dry long weekend.And because of all that you/re as much a victim of global warming, bigbusiness, and Mother Nature going through her "change" as the rest ofus.
5. Chinese-Made Toy Recall
Just when you thought it was safe to lick the paint from your Tonka truckMattel sticks it to you again with another Chinese made toy recall due to led contentin their export products. As if kids today didn't have enough to worry aboutwith school bullies, Michael Jackson hiding behind every school bag and 45% ofmarriages ending in divorce because they wont take a bath or finish the rest oftheir peas, they get kicked in the gut with news like this, bound to drive afew of them back to the bottle and that liquid crack they call chocolate milk..
6. Stem Cell Breakthrough
In November, two groups of scientists in Japanand Wisconsin announced that theyhad found a way to reprogram human skin cells to behave like embryonic stemcells without having to make or destroy any embryos. Paving the way for newresearch into Cancer cures, and Organ replacement research. For some reasonfundamentalists in the Bible belt think this new breakthrough puts an end tothe need for embryonic stem cell research. And if they want to sacrifice theirextra skin for that they're welcomed too it. But if they want my skin cellsthey'll have to pry them out of my cold, dead fingers.
Cause.. Cause that's where I keep my skin cells, my cold, dead fingers