March is Women's History Month. Impress the ladies in your life with your knowledge of these important events:

5000 B.C. – Eve discovers a delicious new fruit called an apple. Its sleek design makes it an object of cult-like obsession and devotion. Also, it leads to the downfall of man.

1 B.C. – Mary has sex with God. Their friendship is ruined.

1431 – Joan of Arc is burned at the stake. While the event itself is tragic, it marks the last time that a woman ever loses an argument.

1588 – Queen Elizabeth I oversees the defeat of the Spanish Armada. Never again does anyone from a Spanish speaking country try to cross a body of water to enter an English speaking country.

1920 – American women gain the right to vote. This doesn't really affect much except the outcome of Dancing With the Stars.

Sometime around 1950 – Your mom is born. The world records for obesity, stupidity, and ugliness are simultaneously obliterated.

January 29, 1954 – Oprah is born in swaddling clothes in a manger. Sales of swaddling clothes skyrocket 600 percent.

April 1, 1977 – The first US Weekly is published. In a shocking expose, it is revealed that the stars are indeed just like us.

May 4, 1979 – Margaret Thatcher sleeps her way to the Prime Ministership of Great Britain.

March 30, 1996 – Matt Damon and Ben Affleck finish the screenplay to Good Will Hunting.

February 18, 1997 – Denise Richards and Neve Cambell make out in Wild Things. This is the greatest thing to ever happen in the history of the world.

June 18, 2001 – Betty Livingston of Des Moines, Iowa is the first woman to publicly admit that she doesn't "like, totally relate to the women on Sex and the City". She is stoned to death in the town square.

November 4, 2008 – Hillary Clinton elected President of the United States. Monkeys promptly fly out of her butt.