Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Roommate Confessions: Issue 16
March 9, 2008
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to
My roomate is a computer geek, but he's generally nice enough. However, his girlfriend calls at all times during the night, particularly while I'm trying to study, and they get in the
fights over the
things. This has been happening since the start of the semester. One time, after she yelled at him for saying he would date someone else if she died (who asks that?!), they were in the middle of an awkward silence. I immediately pulled up the text-to-speech function on my computer, turned the volume all the way up, and had the female voice say "Baby, are you coming back to bed?" She thought it was a real person. She yelled some more, hung up, and my roommate and more importantly, I did not hear from her for two weeks.
Mike, School Not Given
My freshman year, I had to live with the most disgusting girl I've ever met. She was significantly obese and had to lower her bed down because she couldn't climb in to it, her Disney alarm clock played the
'It's a Small World' theme song every morning at 7am, her dirty underwear was always all over the floor, and worst of all, she would leave used tampons on her nightstand overnight because she didn't want to have to walk over to the bathrooms across the hall to throw them away. Thankfully because she was so large she couldn't fit into my clothes, but she regarded everything else I had (food, dvds, my ipod, etc.) as hers to take. I used to have a small drawer of 'extra stuff'- extra toothpaste, extra batteries, etc. on my side of the room, and one day I came home and saw her using a toothbrush she found from that drawer. She sneered and told me 'they only cost a dollar, so it's mine now' so I said 'fair enough' and walked away, neglecting to tell her that it was the spare toothbrush I used to clean mud, gravel, and dog shit out of the grooves of my hiking boots every time I went camping.
Emily, Bucknell U
I once used your kitchen spatula to clean my cat's litterbox andthen put it back in the kitchen drawer. The next day I watched youmake scrambled eggs with the spatula and eat them.
Mike, University of Florida
My sophomore year I was in a quad suite with one self-important cocky mother f*ck*r who talked to his girlfriend on the phone constantly even at night while we were trying to sleep. During the fall she came to visit while he was sick with the flu. We took her bar hopping and got her drunk enough to pass out. We dropped her off at our "man whore" friend's house. They broke up and he got depressed. So, to cheer him up the other 2 roommates and I brought him home a candy bar or something of the sort every time we left the suite. He gained 55lbs by the end of spring quarter and everyone in the building knew him as "fat Brian."
Ben, Ohio State University
In freshman year, there was this guy on our floor who dressed only in black, never left his room, and spent all day writing a science-fiction novel that he insisted would one day be published. He left his room once a week to meet others of his kind at the donut shop to play with their Yu-Gi-Oh cards. One night while he was in his room, we all got together and decided to phone him; I called, put on a fake voice, and told him my name was Andy from Tech Services. I told him that the internet bandwidth for the floor was off the charts, and the problem seemed to be coming from his room; I told him that there seemed to be an inappropriate amount of child porn being downloaded to his room and that if he or his roommate didn't confess to it, we would be contacting the police to perform an investigation. The roommate, of course, was in on the plan with us. I also told him that the internet to the floor would be shut down until the problem was resolved. We cut the wire to the internet jack for his computer, and our entire floor began complaining about how the "internet was turned off" while he was around, when of course, the internet was perfectly fine. We called this guy back the next night, and I put on the same act. He confessed to downloading child porn and apologized profusely, breaking in to tears and asking me please not to call the cops; he was, of course, on speakerphone, so everyone in the room had to hold in their laughter as best they could. I told him (as "Andy") that the internet would be returned to the floor after an official apology letter was written by him, explaining the entire "situation" to the floor, and it had to be posted on the residence bulletin board. I also told him his parents would be contacted. He had a two-page apology letter written within 45 minutes, detailing his downloading of child porn and apologizing to our floor and to our residence for what happened. We then saw him in tears, on his phone, telling his parents what he believed to have happened. He called Tech Services the next week and asked to speak to Andy, to ask him when he could take the apology letter off the bulletin board; he was told that there is nobody at Tech Services named Andy. The letter still stayed up for the rest of the semester and his parents enrolled him in pedophilia counselling, which he is still believed to be attending on a weekly basis.
Greg, Wilfrid Laurier University
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.