Thank you for choosing World of WarCraft!

World of WarCraft is a unique gaming experience. Unlike other videogames, which you buy once, and have silly things like an ending and plotconsistencies, WoW asks you to pay a monthly charge. By being a part of ouronline community, you get to rent your friends monthly, much like a fraternity,except with less chance of getting laid.

 

You might like to start your WoW adventure by killing thelocal innocent wildlife to gain experience. Unfortunately for you, all of theundomesticated wild animals are trained in armed combat defense, explaining howa wolf can dodge, parry, or block a sword attack. We might also explain how youcan lower a wild boar's armor, but we won't.

To make WoW more fun, we include quests for you to go on.Some of these include killing certain wild animals to collect their livers, orhorns, or some other feature. Unfortunately for you, young adventurer, you willfind that only one out of every ten boars will have a liver, snout, or eventusks. We here at Blizzard do this so that you can gain more experience andhave more fun while looking for them! And to remind you that we have you by the balls.

 

After you have become too strong for one area, we allow youto move on to newer lands. The terrain is vast and different in these newareas, and there are brand new enemies to face! You might notice that theseenemies are the same ones you faced in the last area, only with a color paletteswap and raised attack and defense, but their new names indicate a blatantlynew character! A coyote is clearlydifferent than the grey wolves you killed forty of in the last area anyway.

 

WoW of course is based on the WarCraft franchise, well knownas a strategy game with a critically acclaimed story. We at Blizzard kept inmind how much the story means to fans, which is why we rewrite it withbasically every patch. This allows more flexibility for us, and we believe youwill enjoy it in the long run.

Not forgetting the strategy roots of the WarCraft lineage,we require that all bad guys hang out in groups of three or five, just like inreal life. This makes a single player game virtually implausible, so that youare required to rely on strangers and friends to accomplish anything. Webelieve in building lasting, monthly friendships like that.

 

During your stay in the World of WarCraft, you willcertainly need to travel. While we offer the ability to warp instantly to anymajor city, inn, or dungeon, anything other than these things requires a30-minute walk, or 7-minute gryphon ride. We do this so you can enjoy the lush,pixilated scenery.

 

After hitting the max character level in World of WarCraft,you may think the game is over. Not true! Rather than allow you the convenienceof a final boss, or the justice of an unlockable reward, we allow you to enterdungeons to get newer, better armor, which will be viciously outdated in thenext patch. If you have the time, which you surely must if you reach max level,you and 39 other friends can work together to defeat the bosses of thesedungeons to continue your never ending quest for new clothes! However, to befair to all players, these bosses drop one piece of armor for each character class, whichis randomly decided by an insanely low drop rate. Then you must also decidewhich of the other characters just like you in the group will receive it. Youwill relish the hours you twiddle away with these friends only to not get whatyou came in for, but at least someone else got theirs! This is what makes WoWfair and fun for everyone!

 

At some point you may want to stop playing WoW, and closeyour account. Because you have made us millions of dollars, we store yourcharacters on permanent servers should you ever choose to return. Actually,rather than offer you the illusion of free choice, we'll tell you flat out, itwill take an Act of God for you to quit. You can check out anytime you like,but you can never leave. Why would you want to? You've made it this far! Andnew content is coming out in a few weeks! All your "real friends" are hereonline with you anyway. This is your life now. You are a paladin. You collectherbs to make your living. Going outside, having a relationship with friends orthe opposite sex, being social, these things are overrated. They are the past.WoW is now. WoW is eternal. We have 10 million players. Do you have that manyfriends in real life? We thought not.

 

So from all of us at Blizzard Entertainment, thank you forjoining the World of WarCraft! And thanks for your soul too.