Dear Mr. Kingston,

My name is Christopher Rifkin, chairman of Jamaica's Tourism Board. We'd first like to congratulate you on your recent successes, as well as thank you for raising awareness worldwide of the beautiful paradise that is Jamaica! However, we must make one small request as it pertains to the song "Take You There", as we feel you did not live up to the agreement we had put in place when you were commissioned to "write a song about a wonderful Jamaican vacation" (note: we even gave you a rhyme to use, we were very disappointed when that was left out of the final version).

We are more than happy with your characterization of Jamaica as the home to white sand beaches where you're encouraged to live without a care and spend your days "sipping PiƱa Coladas", as it were. The part of your song that we take most umbrage with is the second half of the chorus- "take you to the slums/where killers get hung". Firstly, it's not even grammatically accurate- how embarrassing! As if that's not reason enough to change it, we at the Tourism Board, feel as though it's just plain mean! So we have taken the opportunity to write a few alternate lines we would encourage you to simply switch with the current, more disparaging remarks about this wonderful tropical paradise:

  • We can lay in the sun, where families have fun!
  • We can beat on a drum, and love everyone!
  • We can visit the beautiful island of Jamaica, and have a really great time!

We recognize the last one is a touch on the wordy side, but we feel it would really express the truly welcoming nature of our beautiful island! We would also like to address the lyrics contained within the verses as well- especially ones that insinuate our children are armed with guns- but we're fairly-to-extremely confident no one really listens to those parts of your songs anyways, so go nuts! Again, congratulations on your recent success and keep up the fine work, but just remember: Jamaica, Your Vacation Starts Now!

And the "slums" really aren't all that bad. Maybe if you could write another song that would encourage our visitors to stay in the well-lit and well-patrolled tourist areas, that'd be wonderful! Also, make sure to include that all visitors to the island should under no circumstances leave the confines of our beautiful, five-star resorts after dark, as we have recently been plagued by pre-pubescent gang warfare and we absolutely wouldn't want them to be dissuaded from returning to MARVELOUS Jamaica at the sights of the dozens upon dozens of hanged murderers, whose lifeless bodies adorn the streets as constant, horrifying reminders of the mindless violence we can never, ever seem to escape…

Sincerely,


Christopher Rifkin


P.S.- Loved "Beautiful Girls"!

P.P.S.- Send help.