1.) The Self-Motivator – Often seen in a pool of his own sweat, this person feels the need to verbally express his motivation or lack thereof, regardless of how loud or distracting it may be. Key phrases include "just one more" and "almost there." No matter how ridiculous or loud he is, he feels no one can hear him and continues to try to work off the hamburgers from lunch.

2.) The Overly Skinny Cardio Girl – You will usually find this person on the elliptical machine, on the highest resistance, moving her legs faster than the Road Runner. She usually breathes like a woman in labor and resembles a puffer fish in the face and Olive Oil from Popeye in the body. She is usually there before you enter the gym and is there when you're done. She refuses to stop pumping her legs until those last few calories necessary for survival and vitality are gone.

3.) Mr. Too Much Preparation – Even if he is just walking on a treadmill or doing sit-ups, he needs a harness, and every brace known to mankind. If he wouldn't look like more of a douche, he'd even wear a bike helmet. Sweatbands and athletic tape are used almost as a fashion accessory, and protective goggles are a must.

4.) The Family Reunion – This usually happens in middle-aged to retired men. A group of 4 to 7 people will stop working out to socialize and talk about how young people don't have any respect. Usually they continue to sit on the machines or benches and socialize, so if you need to get some reps in, you're out of luck until they're done reflecting on how life has screwed them. There is always one key jackass who feels that the louder he makes a point the more effective it is.

5.) The Shower Loiterer – It seems no matter when I go into the gym there are always the same naked old guys walking around. The worst part is these guys are usually holding a conversation while sitting bare assed on stools with there junk hanging out for anyone to see. If one of these guys tries to approach you or talk to you, throw the nearest thing you have and run away fast.