From the Desk of Dana Shepard
Third Seat, Second Row
Mrs. Riddinger's English Class
Parkway Middle School
Regarding your past thirteen inquiries, I appreciate your application for the position of being my boyfriend.
While your promise to "be loyal, no matter what" and "write [me] a poem every day" were tempting, I received many applicants in the courting process and have begun dating another individual whose body is better suited to my newly developed needs.
Thus I will not be offering you the position, but thank you for your interest.
If the need arises for me to contact you in the future about any upcoming openings or study sessions, please be assured I am keeping your note on file and will add you to my AIM buddy list.
Very truly yours,
P.S.: Due to the volume of requests I receive, I must ask all future correspondence be addressed to me care of Sally Cohnberg, my BFF.