In an effort to promote Catholicism among college students, theVatican has decided to start a new tradition called "Awesome Friday."Here is new schedule of events for the day of observation:

  • 11:28 PM, Thursday Night: Order the new Triple Meat Explosion Pizza from Pappa John's. Take last bite at 11:59.
  • 12:00-8:00 AM: Sleep, waking only once to urinate.
  • 8:00 AM: Shower solemnly and refrain from washing,touching, or thinking about your genitalia. If there's one day to feelguilty about having genitalia, it's on Awesome Friday. Just think howgood things will feel tomorrow, too, now that you're giving yourself aday off for once.
  • 8:15 AM: Use the day of mourning as an excuse to wearyour awesome black Styx T-shirt that everyone always gets a kick outof. Don't tell people you actually love Styx.
  • 8:30 AM: Make a batch of Hot Cross Buns for the entire hall to enjoy, but eat them all yourself.
  • 9:30-10:30 AM: Abstain from watching Sportscenter inremembrance of Jesus' hatred for the New York Yankees. Instead, watchbass fishing on ESPN2. Jesus loved fish.
  • 10:00 AM: Skip your first class to watch The Passion ofthe Christ. Turn it off after a half hour when you realize you'restarting to not like your Jewish roommate anymore.
  • 11:00 AM: Head to church for Around the World Stationsof the Cross. At each station, a different alcoholic beverage is servedto coincide with the event in the particular station: for example, atthe first station where Jesus is condemned to death, take a "Death Bed"shot, mixing 1/2 oz white tequila,1/2 oz Aftershock Hot & Coolcinnamon schnapps, and1/2 oz sambuca. Or, when Jesus meets His motherin station four, drink a Virgin Daiquiri.
  • 12:00 PM-3:00 PM: This is traditionally thought of asthe time when Jesus died on the cross and should be commemorated withsilence and contemplation. Pass out in the church for exactly threehours, wake up feeling refreshed but a little sick at 3:01.
  • 3:02 PM: Make a run for the front door and DO NOT throwup in the Holy Water. The bushes outside are fine. You'll see a mess ofHot Cross Buns.
  • 5:00 PM Go to the cafeteria for dinner. Don't eat anymeat, gelatin, or veggie burgers"the first two are in respect of Jesus'death, but the veggie burgers is because I'm pretty sure I saw thatcook pick his nose while making them. Desserts are fine, so gorge onice cream.
  • 6:00 PM – 9:00 PM: Do whatever you normally do before the night's events, but only enjoy it half as much.
  • 9:30 PM: Head out for a party, still wearing your StyxT-shirt. Try to get with someone by explaining you're "Upset becausesomeone important to you died today."
  • 12:01 AM, Saturday morning: Stumble home and finish offthe leftovers from last night's pizza and then enjoy guilt-freemasturbation.