Baby, we need to talk.
Baby, we've been over for awhile now, but I've been putting off this conversation because I'm a big pussy.

Something is pushing us apart, and I don't know what it is.
It's your stomach. You're gaining weight and it's making my dick sad.

I just don't feel like I can trust you anymore.
I cheated on you.

I don't like to be tied down.
I miss the guilt-free excitement of touching new vaj for the first time.

I really think we should see other people.
I'm already screwing, like, three other people.

You deserve someone better.
I deserve someone better.

I am so sorry.
I am so sorry you're going to make me feel awful about this.

I really hope that we can stay friends.
I really hope that I can keep you at arm's length so I can continue to make your life miserable while retaining you as a reliable back-up.

Please, let me hold you in my arms one last time.
Please, let me f*ck you one last time.

I'll be in touch, OK?
I'll drunk dial you in a few months, OK?