Regina Cohen
(Best Available Photo)

Year: Sophomore:
School: University of Miami
Hometown: Tamarac, FL
Major: Journalism / Public Relations

You're double majoring in two fields that require a lot of social interaction. Which, gosh, how's that working out for you?

Wonderful! Ever since I was a kid, I've loved working and talking with others. I guess you could say I'm a PPP: professional people person.

Really? That wasn't what I'd, you know, expect.

Hah! Well, don't let this smile fool you; I can get serious as the next girl!

What are you serious about?

Too much to name! During summers, I travel to Mozambique to help with some home building efforts through… hello?


You seemed distracted by something. Is everything okay?

Uh, sure, yeah. You built Mozambique.

Hah. You're funny.


A lot of people say that God's greatest gift to mankind was speech, but I think listening is even more valuable. That's why I like talking to you. It's hard to find a nice guy who listens…

Oh, wow… okay… well…

(Sighs) You're flattered but you only date girls in the 10 sizes or less aisle.

I wasn't going to say that.

No, I know. I'm… I'm not mad. I just thought when you called me for an interview, it'd be deeper than this. I guess I just thought more with my heart than with my brain.

Well maybe if you didn't cling like a sock to a dryer, it'd be less terrifying getting to know you.

My clinginess would be immaterial if I were thin! You would like my clinginess if I were thin!

And had two eyebrows.

Now that's just uncalled for! You think because you wear an ironic t-shirt that says "Kansas Kan-Sass" you're some hip guy? How many girls have you laid this semester?


Well, okay… I stand corrected. But that doesn't forgive your valuing a woman in a place of learning for the size of her ass and chest.

What's the matter, Regina? Jealous?

Of course I'm jealous! But at least I can see my selfishness for what it is rather than bury my lack of insight with a thick layer of irony and Saturday morning cartoon references.

Well, now this is awkward…

Look, I'm sorry… I'm sure you're a great guy. You obviously worked hard to get a good gig writing for a website like this. I shouldn't have judged you so fast because of my insecurities.

That's alright. I'm sorry all the charity work in the world you do doesn't give me a boner. Can I maybe buy you a drink?

That would be nice.

Any last thoughts?

I wish we were real people instead of poorly written facsimiles of reality.

Me too, sister.

Let's fly to Alpha Centaur!

The imagination has no limit!