Public transport. Many use it. Few people like to use it. Even fewer people would make love to the idea of taking the train. What is the main reason everyone hates it so much? Is it because it takes forever for it to get anywhere? Is it due to sporadic schedules or the disgusting state of everything? Those are all legitimate reasons to hate public transport but the one true reason that people, or at least why I hate it, is the people that use it. Honestly, if the train was empty, I wouldn't mind it at all. There are always those same characters on the train, the same people that in their own unique way, piss me off to the point where I would give them a spinning heel kick if I knew how to. Who are these individuals? Let's take a look:


1. The My-Sh*tty-Music-Is-Really-Loud-Kid. You know this kid pretty well. His earphones are bigger than his own head which are covering his long, dirty, greasy, faux-black hair. He's wearing that generic black hoodie with Metallica/Slayer/Iron Maiden/Anthrax on it just like you would expect. He's blasting his music like he needs to experience a concert while he's on the train. You know your music is loud when my music is playing in my earphones and I can hear your music. You know those signs on the train that say "be courteous to others, play your music at a respectable level"? Yeah that's just a roundabout way of saying, "turn that sh*t down, no one wants to hear what lame music you're listening to."

2. The Really Fat Guy. He's taking up the whole seat. He's eating food that was custom designed for fat people like a pizza cheeseburger or a bacon hotdog taco. His chin is cascading down his neck like he's melting. He's got crumbs all over his double D chest. You feel bad for the guy, but inside, you laugh because it's always a treat to go to the zoo during feeding hours. (I know I crossed the line. I'm going to hell.)

3. The Smelly Homeless Guy- This guy reeks. He pisses himself in the night. The second he steps on the train you think to yourself "please God, don't let this guy sit next to me" as you make yourself bigger in the seat in hopes of fooling him that the seat is fully taken like he's the T-rex from Jurassic Park or something, "maybe if I don't move, he won't see me." It doesn't matter though, as he approaches you and the mass of people get the hell out of his way most likely because of the mystery stain on his face. They part out of his way like he's Moses and he's splitting the Red Sea and as he's stumbling over to where you're sitting he's drooling from his last crack high. He splats down beside you as he lets out a sigh that smells like absolute shit. Literally poop and malt liquor. You turn up your iPod because you know he's gonna attempt some kind of incoherent conversation with you in which case you're probably gonna respond "sorry, what?" like you want him to repeat what he said, even though that's the opposite of what you want. All you can do is stare out the window as all of a sudden, it becomes the longest train ride of your life as you're forced to deal with this idiot.

4. The Hot-girl-that's-too-far-away. There is this girl who is pretty good looking, maybe like an 8, but she's always sitting all the way on the other side of the train. You can see her as she's getting on the train but as she sits down in the distance she becomes out of sight. You try and get another glimpse, but the Really Fat Guy eating a farm sandwich is blocking your view. You think to yourself, "ok, I'll sit on that side tomorrow, and maybe we'll fall in love…" and you sit there the next day, but what happens? She's not there; she's sitting on the other side of the train now, probably sharing a pizza burger with Really Fat Guy.

5. The I-don't-know-the-rules-of-the-train lady. Pretty self explanatory. There are some unspoken rules about how to properly ride the train that everyone knows: don't block the aisles, make room for people to sit down, don't block the doors, etc. Pretty simple stuff right? Not to this lady. She acts as if she's never been on a train before or in a functional society for that matter. She'll get on and stand in the doorway like its common sense to be a nuisance. She's blocking the laser so the door can't close. At this moment, you wish that the lasers were set from stun to kill, melting the legs of those stupid enough to stand in the way. She probably has one of those drag-along backpacks that are blocking the way of everything because those things are USELESS. When she sits in an empty seat, she sits on the edge, not allowing anyone to sit beside her. Come on lady, that rule only applies to Smelly Homeless Guy.

Now there are far more characters that we see in our daily journey to school or work but I think these are the ones that stick out the most and make you sigh and shake your head in disgust.