Dear Friends,

Oh, hello. I didn't see you there. Good timing though РI've been meaning to drop you a line, but I've just been SOOO busy!! You see, ever since my article:"My Letter to Michael Cera"·went National, I've sort of been catapulted to stardom. Basically, I receive HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of fan letters each day. Unlike that Michael "Haughty" Cera, I decided that my loyal minions out there deserve a response to their letters (my step-mother's husband always tells me not to be selfish). As such, I am posting some of my most recent fan mail. I hope they bring as much joy and warmth to all of your hearts as they did to all of mine.

Heartiest Regards,

Dear Dan,
I love everything you do and I have a shrine of you in my closet. We should hang out sometime.

I would love to hang out because I make a point of ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH MY FANS, usually at themed slumber parties.
My phone number is:456-WHYDONTYOUCALLMEMICHAEL ext. WHYMICHAELWHY. It's a landline so just ask for me – I'm always home 24/7 waiting.
Hey Dan,
I'm sorry to hear that you STILL haven't heard back from Michael Cera. You seem really fun, cool, smart and stuff, humorous, tidy, recalcitrant, sharing and rich and he should call you for friendship.


Keep the faith though, Dan. I'm really proud of you. You're really special and talented, no matter what your fake dad says.

Hi Xan,
Thanks for your letter. I don't know why he won't call me. I've tried EVERYTHING: poems, letters, cheese and fruit trays (Have you ever tried grapes and cheese AT THE SAME TIME? It's ridiculous and he still hasn't called.), and even some pictures I made of us having fun together (you're probably SOOOO jealous, right?). It's like I always say: "Make NEW FRIENDS, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold." I AM F*CKING PLATINUM MICHAEL!!!
Best wishes,

Hey Dan,
You watch Michael Cera on "Arrested Development" right? HA! Of course you do – the DVD's are propped on the table next to your bed so when you wake up you think the whole cast is there, gently nestling you from slumber.

HAHA!!! JK It's an inside joke I have with Michael, don't worry about it. I lurve "AD"!! I actually came up with this HILARIOUS character for the show that I'd love to play named "Dan" who is Michael Cera's best friend in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD like bff and they hug a lot and stuff. Right? Wouldn't that be GREAT? HAHAHA. See I'm laughing because I'm happy! HA!

Michael Cera won't respond to me either so don't worry you're not alone even though you probably think you are except during your 2 hour per day "make a wish" sessions when you think about how life should be. We should hang out and play Lincoln Logs and eat mini bags of Cool Ranch Doritos that your mom bought in an assorted snack pack. Maybe we could make a bat cave fort and watch "Juno" in the dark where no one can see our toes. Let me know!

Cool! Alright this is gonna be great! Who needs Michael Cera anyway! Who? Me? HA! FALSE! That's funny though! HaHA! Cool Ranch! This is gonna ROCK! Do you like Fanta? We should high five when you get here! :-D
Can't wait buddy,