All the fun of a Stephen King novel, without the crappy ABC mini-series.

Awesome tramp stamp idea for a homosexual gentleman: "Members Only."
Unfortunate News
The world's only police sketch artist was killed today. Nobody will ever know who did it…
Dial-up is a lot like giving birth. It's painful, slow, and you'll probably scream and bleed at some point, but at least at the end you're rewarded with a naked person.
I missed SNL again this week. That's six years in a row, I have to go to get DVR.
Reality Check
Today, as I watched TV with my father, I realized that the History Channel is just really boring reality TV.
Advertising Slogans in Real Life
"I gotta have my pops!" cried the orphaned boy.

"Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline," said the doctor of the debilitating skin condition radiating out from the young woman's eyelid.

"Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm… Toasty!" screamed the Quiznos ad executive's retarded nephew.
Some people think men who cry during a romantic movie are weak. I just think they're good actors.