Bill O'Reilly has one of the most watched news shows in America, but he's also one of America's most hated and divisive political commentators. Basically, Americans either worship the man and drink hot cocoa from their "O'Reilly Factor" mugs, or they get chills whenever they hear his voice and secretly plot to break into his house and shave his eyebrows while he's sleeping. Regardless of your feelings about Bill O'Reilly, in order for America to move harmoniously into the future, America needs him to finally lose his virginity.

Anyone who has ever watched the "O'Reilly Factor" knows that O'Reilly is filled with passion about everything related to American politics and society. He enjoys going on rants, chastising people who reside in the public eye, and tearing down his guests with passive-aggressive and aggressive-aggressive tactics that make every viewer quickly decide whether they love him or hate him. But O'Reilly's problem isn't his passion. It's not even his anger. It's that he's lived for over fifty years, been married for almost fifteen, and still has never seen the inside of a vagina.

America needs our public figures, like O'Reilly, to unite the general public in order to enable a more productive society. We need our titans of fair and balanced journalism to foster constructive rather than divisive conversation, to carry the political media torch so the rest of us can see. However, this cannot be accomplished in O'Reilly's case until someone – who knows? perhaps his wife – bites the bullet and opens up her bed. Sure, O'Reilly may not be the most devilishly handsome man in the world, and perhaps he doesn't even brush his teeth after sucking the blood out of small, left-wing children, but that doesn't mean the rest of America should suffer.

I know what you're thinking. How can I possibly know that Bill O'Reilly is a virgin? Do I work with him? Am I his friend and confidant? Am I sexual psychologist or something? No. No. And no. But just look at the guy, America. Seriously. The blueness from his balls has almost completely discolored his face.

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