(The phone rings)


Tayshawn: Hello?

Momma: Hello sweety.

Tayshawn: B*itch don't call me sweety when I don't even know who you are! Announce yo'self ho!

Momma: It's your mother.

(no response)

Momma: sigh It's me "player," the "ho" that makes your grits.

Tayshawn: Oh, sup ma.

Momma: Nothing much honey, I was just calling to let you know that you got a package.

Tayshawn: Oh, yea word. I know what it is. Don't open it.

Momma: Well, I already opened it, and I don't know how I feel about—

Tayshawn: AW HELL NAW!!! DID YOU NOT HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID? DO YOU NEED A Q-TIP? WOULD A COTTON SWAB MAKE YOU NOT SUCH A B*TCH?!

Momma: Tay, I don't think that kind of language is really necessary. I just wanted to know how you paid for the fl*shlight.

Tayshawn: I GOT MY GIRL TO BE A HO FOR HALLOWEEN AND THEN I MUGGED HER.

Momma: Now, I think you're a bit too young to be dating—

Tayshawn: YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!! WHO'S IN MY FAV 5? NAME ONE PERSON IN MY FAV 5!!!

Momma: Johnny Turnblatt, Scotty Newfield, Matt Stills, Achmed Mohammed-Steinberg, and Mike Bibby.

Tayshawn: HOW THE HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT? YOU'RE SUCH A TIT!

Momma: I gave it to you for Christmas with your best friends already pre-programmed – you know that! Such lovely, young white men…

Tayshawn: I AM GOING TO KNIFE YOU IN THE STERNUM, AT LEAST!

Momma: Now Tay, you need to relax. Why don't you come downstairs for dinner – I made brisket…

Tayshawn: I AM OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE MY OWN DINNER WOMAN!!!

Momma: YOU ARE SIX YEARS OLD MOTHER F*CKER!

Tayshawn: clutching his blanky and holding back tears Six and a half…ho.

Momma: WHAT YOU SAY CHILD?!?!

Tayshawn: Oh god, nothing!

(Momma storms in the bedroom armed with a frying pan)

Momma: I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID!!!

(Momma bludgeons Tayshawn repeatedly with the pan)

Momma: B*tch.