Headlines you might read in the Sunday paper of a perfect world:

  • Canseco: I helped provide producer with 'baby batter' for Zoey 101 star
  • Women unanimously agree: size doesn't matter
  • Frat guy learns second song on acoustic guitar
  • Study: Late night fast food binges help prevent cancer
  • DNA evidence helps resolve who stole the cookie form the cookie jar
  • Fox issues public apology for 'sh*tty Japanimation' Ninja Turtles revival
  • Write-in ballots help elect Bart Simpson President
  • Nestle introduces lobster filled Hot Pockets
  • Pitt and Jolie adopt African child, later learn it is Gary Coleman
  • Survey reveals 90% of girls pillow fight in underwear; other 10% are fat