Taco Bell – I'm a stoner who has fallen into a routine of getting baked and scarfing a grande meal at 1 am.

Subway – I'm fatter than holy hell, but under the delusion that eating this toasted footlong meatball sub with extra cheese and a large Coke is going to make me a lot healthier.

Wendy's – I'm a pedophile who is enticed by their innocent logo. I also enjoy bacon.

Sonic – I love the nostalgic atmosphere of the drive-in. I have collections of baseball cards and Beanie Babies and wagon wheels, because I'm living in the past.

McDonald's – I know that I'm fat, please just leave me and my Big Macs alone.

Burger King – They have amusing commercials, and I appreciate the novelty of chicken fries.

Arby's – They have terrible commercials and I hate roast beef, but I love putting myself in ironic situations.

KFC – I'm black.

Tim Horton's – I'm Canadian.

Hardee's – I'm trying to watch my carbs, and nothing else.

Pizza Hut – The town I live in doesn't have a pizzeria.

Quizno's – I don't mind spending 10 dollars on a fast food sub, because I'm an arrogant bastard.

White Castle – I saw it in a movie, it must be the tastiest thing EVER.

Domino's – I live about a half hour away, so I get free pizza most of the time.

In-N-Out – My friends bet me 10 bucks I couldn't finish an 8 × 8. I'm about to prove them right.

Baskin-Robbins – I'm fat and I couldn't possibly care less.