Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Trump University Course Descriptions
April 15, 2008
BOT201 Floral Cultivation: Learn the science of the blossom, and discover how to properly cultivate a wide array of domestic and wild plants. A particular focus of the course will be Roses. Big, fat Roses. If a Rose is too fat, you cut its lifeline. If a Rose can't shut its bacon-packed mouth, cut the lifeline. Remember, all little rosies have thorns. Word to the bees: Don't bite the hand that feeds you; it is bound to eat you back.
ECO141 Foreign Markets: Acquire an understanding of foreign markets in an arduous, seventeen week course. Explore international currencies and gain a further understanding of the US dollar. Investigate Czech and Slovenian bride markets and the corresponding ratio of ugliness to net worth.
ARCH215 Basic Architecture: Find the secrets of the ancient architects while garnering an appreciation for modern structures. Study the art behind domes, lines, and curves, and realize that even the most complex parabolas will stand for centuries with enough hairspray.
BUS317 Billionology: Find out how to earn millions-even billions-through a catalogue of time-tested mantras. On Tuesdays, a lab hour is devoted to repeating "I'm the man/woman" into a mirror while stroking one's genitals with a twenty dollar bill. Remember, the money literally makes the man.
BUS370 Corporate Management: Use gut instincts and inclinations to make major decisions as to who should be hired and fired. If a guy's got a sordid smirk, fire'm. If he's got an ugly suit, fire'm. If he's Rosie O'Donnell, fire'm. If he's got an ass like whoa, and he's Eastern European, and he's a girl-hire'm.
ART200 Using the Dollar: Once a billionaire, one needs to find creative ways to squander millions of dollars without acknowledging charitable organizations. Fold c-notes to resemble ice cubes, and float them in your drink so you can savor the cool, refreshing taste of superiority. Or, try shoving the money up your rectum, because whether printed in Delaware or Pennsylvania,it will always leave you smelling minty. Main course objective: Keep the poors at bay.
Mission Statement: Rosie O'Donnell is fat.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.