1. Buy Bret Michael's latest CD
  2. Listen to Bret Michael's latest CD
  3. Watch my father cry
  4. Listen to my father tell me what he's crying about
  5. Be locked in a dark room with Ron Howard's brother
  6. Constantly have the soles of my shoes covered with double faced tape
  7. Listen to my mom's story about losing her virginity
  8. Be in Smashmouth
  9. Get a variable rate mortgage from Bear Stearns
  10. Spoon with Carl Weathers…circa "Action Jackson"

Co-written by Mike Gargiulo