Ethan: Since I know you're going to do it anyway, just start running your mouth about your Lakers.

Amir: WE'RE #1! WE'RE #1! Any chance Stern will just advance the Lake Show straight to the finals? Do we really have to go through formality of embarrassing the other seven teams in the West?

Ethan: Carmelo will drink to that. Anything to keep him out of having to play this first round series with such a splitting headache. Are you at all nervous about the Nuggets? Or the possibility of playing the Mavericks?

Amir: Nervous about the Nuggets? What year is this: Never? What the Lakers (and Amerca) really need is a Spurs/Suns series in the first round. That way the Lakers won't have to play them both. Those are probably the second and third best team in the West. What's your top four?

Ethan: Lakers, Hornets, Spurs, Clippers. I think that Chris Kaman would be able to make a lot of noise if they were just in the playoffs.

Amir: Wait just a minute… The Hornets? Are number two? Why… let's take a trip down memory lane to November 7th back when the NBA season was just one week old…

Amir: The Hornets are good. And not just good for a team who doesn't play in Texas. They are legit. Chris Paul is playing like an MVP…they are playing like a team who will have home court advantage in the playoffs.

Ethan:Home court? Are you insane? They're the fourth-best team in their division.

Ethan: I have no counter for that. I was wrong. In my defense, they're only two losses from being in third in their division, so it's not all that ridiculous. You know what is ridiculous, though? Ramon Sessions going 20-20 in points and assists and losing. It's confusing on like nine different levels.

Amir: He's actually averaged over 15 assists in his last four games. It's amazing what you can do against teams who just want to be on vacation. Also, all four of those games were losses. There's always next year Milwaukee fans!

Ethan: How can any team with Royal Ivey and Awvee Story be so bad? it boggles the mind.

Amir: They're still a number one seed in the funny name playoffs!

Ethan: Are you excited about the NFL schedule? The Browns have five primetime games, and the people will get to see Brady Quinn's pretty face since he won't be wearing a helmet.

Amir: I like that the Patriots have the easiest strength of schedule. You know what? That SuperBowl was tough. They deserve a breather…

Ethan: It's not their fault their division is horrible. They start out with Kansas City, the Jets, Miami, and a bye. I'd say by late September the media's going to be calling them the greatest team ever again. My personal favorite game on the schedule is Jets at Chargers on a Monday night. So many quarterback issues in one crappy game.

Amir: They should really stop setting the MNF Schedule fourteen years in advance…

Ethan: "Testaverde vs. Stan Humphries? This is going to be the season's hottest ticket! Someone alert Natrone Means."

Amir: Speaking of Natrone Means, how much money would you pay to see Leyland's locker room tirade? How can a man who smokes so much yell so loud?

Ethan: At one point his trachea was on the locker room floor. Brandon Inge had to help him get it back in his throat. The Tigers will still turn it around. They're only down 4.5 games. Did you have "12" in the "Number of games before we remember Dusty Baker's incompetent" pool?

Amir: The only number I have this week is 42. Anything else would be Unamerican.

Ethan: Fair enough. You haven't buried anything under Yankee Stadium, have you?

Amir: If you're going to curse the Yankees, don't you think you should choose a better jersey than David Ortiz? Where's this guys' sense of history?! I would go for a nice Oil Can Boyd home jersey.

Ethan: I guess digging up that jersey was an easier way to improve the team than, say, teaching Jeter to make any defensive play that involved him going to his left. Is Tiger finally going to stop being such a choke artist after this knee surgery?

Amir: GET IN THE HOLE!

Ethan: I mean, really, second at the Masters? He's losing it!

Amir: He's in a slump. Point blank. No sugar coating it. But he's still better than that other guy, "The Field." It's weird to think that he might be able to just dominate for another 25 years. It's gonna get boring soon!

Ethan: But not yet! Got an interesting fact this week?

Amir: Manny Ramirez homered this weekend against the Yankees. That was his 16th consecutive season going yard against the Bronx Bombers. But the record is 17 by some Latino named Rafael Palmiero or something.

Ethan: You show that impotent, mustachioed, steroid abuser some respect! Until next week, get excited for the Warriors' offseason!

Amir: WE BELIEVE!… you guys should start playing defense.

Amir and Ethan run StraightCashHomey.net: A Random Jersey Blog