You're a college student.  You're hungry.  You're poor.  What else is new?  Besides that itchy rash and your disgusting beard, not much else.  But while you may be hungry and not have much selection in your pantry besides beef Ramen and chicken Ramen, you have a world of food at your fingertips: your roommate.  Remember him?  The guy who's parents send him cookies every week and take him grocery shopping to buy gasp brand-name cereal whenever they visit?  By following these easy tips you can be on your way to a guilt-laden meal in no time.

1) Spread The Wealth: Your roommate would notice if you ate bowl after bowl of his cereal, but he wouldn't notice if you took a little cereal out of every box that he owns.  Who's gonna notice 7 missing loops of fruit?  The only downside of this is that you are forced to eat a bowl of Frosted Bunches of Corn Charms.  This works especially well if you have multiple roommates, as there are even more choices to pick from to concoct your delicious bowl of multi-colored goodness.


2) Where The Sun Don't Shine: When you moved in months ago, your roommate went shopping for the first time in his life and bought tons of shit that while seemed like a good idea in the store, didn't exactly pan out at home. Mmm! Pickled lamb hearts!  Look around the back of your roommate's cupboard and pull out whatever has dust on it and go to town.  Ignore expiration dates, they're for pussies.

3) Pre-emptive Strike: Make sure to go grocery shopping with your roommate, and when you get back and are putting away your groceries, quickly pull out food from his bag before it has a chance to make it into the cupboard.  Several days later your roommate will start saying things like, "Weird, I thought I bought peanut butter at the store the other day."  Casually mention that you remembered him saying he needed to buy peanut butter at the store, but never actually bought any.  Avoid eating a peanut butter sandwich and drinking his milk during this conversation.

4) The Bold Move: Go for the gusto and outright steal his food.  Don't even try to hide it.  Make yourself a large meal composed entirely of your roommate's food and sit down to eat it in front of him.  When they ask if you used their food to make said meal, respond by saying, "Yeah, I did you son of a bitch.  What the fuck are you going to do about it?"  If properly executed he will back away and ask what you would you would like him to buy at the store next time.  If not properly executed he will punch you in the face.

By following these easy steps you can scam your way to a free meal, and also in the proce-Hey! Who the fuck ate my turkey!  I said who the fuck ate my turkey! Was it you, Matt!  I know it was you! You owe me four bucks!