Final exam instructions administered by regular proctor:

"Good afternoon students. Today you will be taking your final examination for Introduction to British Literature. Please remember that this is a closed book exam. Students may under no circumstances have notes, books, or other study aids open in the exam area. Please leave all backpacks, purses, book-bags, and satchels at the front of the room. Ok, my husband Ralph has passed out all of the test booklets. If you see me or Ralph walking through the rows, please push your chair in so we can avoid disturbing you. You have three hours for this examination. You may begin now."

Final exam instructions administered by my grandfather:

"Ugh. Ahem. smoker's hack Ugh. Good morning students. Ugh. You're gonna take an test of some sort now. Ok let me see now…ugh…British Literature? Man that sounds like a fruitcake type a' boondoggle. Ok. Ugh. hack You may not use any notes or anythin' a' that sort. Everyone have the'er backpacks at the front? Well WHY NOT?! Now I've already given each a' ya your test booklets. And if you see my whore wife walking towards yer desk, stick your chair out, maybe she'll break her hip."

Final exam instructions administered by a frat guy:

"Ok, huhuhuhuh God this is awesome I'm so HIGH! Uuugggghhhh moronic laughter So like, uggghhh. You're gonna have to take prof. Williamson's British Lit test now. Man that sucks sorry yo's. But uh, ok, let me just do a keg-stand real quick and then I'll pass out the test booklets.

Final exam instructions administered on Jupiter:

"Hello students. I'm astronaut Steve O'Donnell and I'm the director of NASA's ˜Head Start for College' program. I am pleased to announce that you, the fortunate students of professor Tom Williamson's British Literature class, have been selected to take the first final exam administered on the planet Jupiter. Now, I must warn you that Jupiter's gravitational pull is over a billion billion times stronger than that of the Earth's, so as soon as I open this space-hatch, it's exceedingly likely that your bodies will instantly collapse upon themselves. Remember that you only have three hours to finish this exam. Good luck!"

Final exam instructions administered by Helen Keller:

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