Gentlemen,


Dear God! I mean…dear GOD! This is bad. Like, I'm talking reeeeeal bad. Remember that time that kid found the severed head of a leper in a bag of our marshmallows? That was the golden age compared to what we're up against now. I mean, have you seen the news lately? Did you guys hear about this craziness? What the hell happened, people?!


Okay, I don't expect to have anyone in this room own up to it – I doubt its even possible that anyone in this room could be responsible – but I'll ask anyway:


Did any of you authorize the creation of a 100-ft. tall marshmallow creature bearing the copyrighted Stay-Puft Marshmallow logo and bearing a very strong resemblance to our mascot? Huh?

Johnson! I think we should cut funding to our "genetic modification" sector. Just in case.


I mean, this has been all over the news for days. It's an absolute PR nightmare, I tells ya! Our mascot attacked New York City. New York City! Where the hell did this thing come from?! And why the hell did it just happen to look EXACTLY like our Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man?!


Johnson, talk to our publicists. See if there's any way they can spin this to make it look like it was Mr. Michelin.


Great. Our brand is now, and probably always will be, viewed with an association with a disaster of epic proportions. Financially to the city of New York, personally to its civilians who lost loved ones in the incident, and philosophically to science – I mean, that thing was alive – and it was composed entirely of marshmallow. No bones, no organs. Creepy. People see us as terrorists and mad-scientists now! We will forever be remembered as the company who was behind a giant monster attacking New York. This could ruin us if we don't handle it right. Remember what happened to "King Kong Soup-Products" back in the '30s? That could be us!


We make marshmallows, for lord's sake! Marshmallows! They're soft and sugary! How did this happen to us? I mean, we weren't asking for it like "Kamikaze Bomber Cola" back in 1941 was. That was just silly.


And to top it all off, four square blocks of NYC was covered in piping-hot marshmallow goo after the damned thing was blown up. Ya think the guy on the street with third degree burns covering 70% of his body from being doused with exploded-marshmallow is ever going to buy a bag of Stay-Puft marshmallows again? How about the guy who was crushed by the giant sailor hat falling on top of him? Think he has a lot of s'mores planned ahead? I doubt it.


Why the hell did we ever sign that sponsorship contract with Gozer? What the hell is Gozer anyways, Johnson? A Sumerian god?! What does that even mean?!


Oh well. I just don't wanna end up as the next "Stock Market Crash Corn Starch." Remember them? Ouch.


Know what we should do? I'm thinking some philanthropy to gain some goodwill with the people of New York City. I saw this amazing painting in Moldavia…Vigo-the-something…anyways, we could donate it to that art museum that the creepy, curly-haired guy runs. This city will love us again yet!