After the Nintendo came out with the new Mario Kart for Wii me and my buddies logged quite a few hours getting reaquainted with its cast of characters. One of my friends was having some woman troubles at the time, so somewhere along the line the conversation arrived upon the female sex, and their various gender specific attributes. The combination of Mario, and some healthy drunken gender bashing led me to a complilation of the varying types of woman and her corresponding character from the classic video game.

The Princess Peach: This is the girl of your dreams. She is beautiful, funny, sexual but not a skank, and generally your view of perfection. She is the kind of girl you want to meet your grandma. You would traverse the all kinds of worlds, fight deadly monsters in your path, and even jump over enormous bottomless pits to win her heart. However there is one problem with the typical Peach; for some reason she spends all her time surrounded by complete morons. She is highly coveted among other males, so it will be necessary to fight off an entire cast of villains to get a chance with this girl. You may think you have finally won her affection once or twice, but in the end she always ends up being stolen away by some dickhead dinosaur or hairy ape.

The Toad: The Toad rocks all things. She is one of your best friends, and always seems to be there to help you out. She is a real guy's girl, fun, smart, and actually sort of cute. For whatever reason, there has just never been any kind of attraction for either of you, which is fine. Every guy needs a Toad in there life to keep you from swearing off women altogether.


The Warp Pipe: If you don't understand this one, try thinking less. The Warp Pipe is open for business. She is not much to look at but you wouldn't mind getting inside her to find some hidden treasure. Be wary of her. Although she seems amazing when you first meet her, know she will not hesitate to hook up with your little brother the second you leave her behind. The Warp Pipe lets just about anyone inside, so there are often times some dangerous beasts or painful embarrassing diseases living down below. Always approach the Warp Pipe with caution, and some form of protection. Finally, once you have exhausted all her resources its time to leave her behind, never to be seen or heard from again.



The Closed Warp Pipe:
The Closed Warp Pipe, upon first consideration, has many of the same characteristics as the normal Warp Pipe. She is not a beauty, but there is something about her that draws her to you. Do not be fooled. She is a "Tease". She will flirt with you shamelessly for days, weeks or months, leading you to the assumption that you will eventually plunder her for prizes. You are wrong. The Closed Pipe will drag you along with her flirtations, and amorous attention. You will consta ntly think you are on the verge of sealing the deal with this broad. Hell, she may even let you get on top of her for awhile. But when it comes time for you to make the grand entrance, you will be denied time after time. These women seem to get pleasure out of messing with the emotions men and heroes, try to pick this breed out ASAP to avoid wasting precious time and energy.

The Pirahna Plant: Most every women, at some point, to some man, will play the role of the Pirahna Plant. This is the girl you may date for awhile, and quite frankly actually like. One day things change, you break up, and she suddenly becomes a blood sucking "biatch". Because you once trusted this woman, and she knows it, she has the ability to make you feel incredibly small. In both the video game and real world, the Pirahna Plant has been known to cause men to punch holes in the wall. She can not be destroyed with conventional attacks, and her ability to conceal the time and manner in which she will strike, makes her possibly the most dangerous foe you will encounter. The Pirahna Plant's powers of manipulation are palpable. She will coax you into thinking you are safe to move past her, then strike when you least expect it. These females are almost immune to destruction unless you posess some sort of rare unexplainable power, (immense ability at manipulation, iron clad balls or flaming sunflower seeds). If you do not have any of these rare powers, simply cut your losses, and avoid any contact with her.

The Goomba: The Goomba is a real clinger. She will follow you around for what seems like forever. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, the Goomba is not attractive. You never really give her much attention, but this only seems to make you more attractive to her. She is a pest, but you almost feel bad for her, and her repeated fruitless advances. Every time you think you have side stepped her for good, she will come waddling annoyingly back into your life. Just bounce her once and move on.

The Bowser: A real scary chick. Loud, mean, and ugly, this girl is your arch nemesis in your efforts with other females. It is obvious to most men that this women is unattractive in every way. She is unimaginably bossy, and can even breathe fire when in a rage. She has many weapons at her disposible and will not hesitate to use them to keep you from hooking up with one of her friends. Unlike the Pirahna Plant, the Bowser does not try to mask her destructive intentions. She does not like you, and is not afraid to mess up your whole world. The Bowser should be dealt with which extreme caution. A final confrontation to establish dominance is inevitable.