Ethan: LeBron almost had a quadruple double (including turnovers) and the Cavs still lost? How can that be? I thought getting double digits of various statistics was the surefire way to victory.

Amir: Quintuple double if you count blown layups, which I do. He had 11. Who do you think is sadder today, LeBron or Ray Allen, who after putting up a goose egg in a victory now knows he's completely and utterly useless?

Ethan: I'd say Allen feels sadder; this has to be worse than the time he saw a VHS copy of He Got Game sitting on a sidewalk in a box of stuff labeled "Free to a good home. Or any home, really."

Amir: "I want to pay you for this." "Nah, just take it."

Ethan: At least he didn't ballhog yesterday; he only took four shots. He did have one assist though!

Amir: They would have only won by 2 without his contributions! If you are a Celtics fan, are you confident that your team can win this series?

Ethan: No, but I think they will. It's troubling that LeBron can absolutely stink out the joint on the road, and the Cavs can still almost win. I'm still sort of baffled that the Cavs can shoot 30% from the field and not get routed. Remember when Damon Jones played basketball?

Amir: Vaguely. He… oh my god. I just checked his wikipedia page. Guess how many teams he's been on? And don't guess a high number just because I said "oh my god."

Ethan: He bounced around a lot pre-Miami. Six? Nobody wants to keep you when you wear those stupid fucking sunglasses all the time.

Amir: Between 1998 and 2006 he played on ten different teams in 8 seasons. Never playing for the same team for two consecutive years until he joined Cleveland. Nets, Celtics, Warriors, Mavericks, Grizzlies, Pistons… sorry I have to stop typing. My fingers hurt.

Ethan: And now he's just one of two "D. Jones" who aren't playing for the Cavs. Were you as elated as I was that Theo Ratliff began scrapping and talking trash about the Magic? I thought he'd been dead since 2003. Welcome back, Theo!

Amir: Pistons are so overconfident, even Theo Ratliff gets to talk shit.

Ethan: Well, I'd be confident if I had to beat a team led by Stan Van Gundy, too. When you're already shaped like a walrus, you shouldn't wear a gray turtleneck under a gray suit. Stan was one set of tusks away from killing a seal during Game 2. How soon do the Pistons finish them off?

Amir: Orlando will split at home and lose in 5 in Detroit. Why aren't we talking about this leagues MVP yet?! Have you seen such a turnaround in public opinion from Kobe in 2004 to Kobe in 2008?

Ethan: Funny how being cleared of rape accusations will kickstart an image turnaround. Kobe's still creepy and robotic, but at least he's not being an ass in public anymore.

Amir: You must be mistaking him with Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic.

Ethan: During timeouts, do you think Kobe just keeps looking at Phil Jackson and asking "Do ya trust your boy? Do ya trust your boy?"

Amir: I saw him jumping over DJ Mbenga during a 20 second in Game 1. Did you see LeBron had one first place MVP vote? How importand do you gotta be to get some love around here? Aren't the Cavs like 0-7 without him this year?

Ethan: Don't pretend that isn't Sasha Pavlovic's team. Excited for these coaching moves?

Amir: Wasn't the last Bulls coach a Suns reject? What makes them think this time it could work?

Ethan: Yeah, but now they've matured, and they think it's going to work this time. At what point does "hiring Rick Carlisle" become code for just giving up and settling? Like, if you started dating some ugly, obnoxious girl, could I explain it away by saying, "He was pretty lonely; he had no choice but to hire Rick Carlisle."

Amir: At least he has experience. It's better than Mark Jackson… I think?

Ethan: The Knicks have tried a good coach in Larry Brown. They've tried someone everyone knew was a bad coach in Isiah. Now, they're trying for an unknown commodity and hoping he'll be mediocre, just like the roster. Although if the Knicks need a former player coach, am I the only one asking: was John Starks even contacted about the job?

Amir: Starks was on the Knicks? I thought he was just a great Jazz point guard.

Ethan: Hang on a second, I need to come to NYC to headbutt some respect into you. Are the Spurs toast?

Amir: If I learned anything in my fifteen years watching basketball is that the Spurs are never going to lose. So don't count them out. Though most of their role players have been around for fifteen years so maybe my theory, and their roster is outdated.

Ethan: I kind of hope they keep winning series just so we can see how deep a hole they dig themselves to keep things interesting. I want to see a Finals where Tim Duncan just sleeps on the bench until the fourth quarter of game four. Speaking of old teams, how about the Yankees? Someone's already regretting dropping 200 bucks on that Ian Kennedy jersey.

Amir: It's weird that a team is both too old and too young to play well. The Yankees should just choose an excuse, and go with it.

Ethan: I prefer my struggling AL teams more Detroit-based. It seems like the Tigers only score 11 runs or zero runs a game. I can't help but think this might mean that Jim Leyland is secretly a high school stats teacher, and he's trying to put to build a good example for his lecture on variance. Will Brandon Webb ever lose?

Amir: Ye—

Ethan: And before you say yes, the answer is no.

Amir: No.

Ethan: Yep, he's going to finish up somewhere around 33-0. The Diamondbacks are really good, even if Max Scherzer's head might fly off his body after any given pitch. It's also good to see that Gavin Floyd is now in the business of regularly almost throwing no-hitters. When he was in Philly, he was the same way. Except instead of no-hitters, it was almost geting ERAs in the 8's. On the subject of people getting blasted in Philly, did you have Marvin Harrison in your NFL gun ownership pool?

Amir: He's still on the waiver wire. Who knew he was hiding so much aggression behind that innocent mustache…

Ethan: The gun used is supposedly capable of penetrating 47 layers of Kevlar at 50 meters. That equates to roughly 5500 Reggie Waynes at five feet if he doesn't stop dropping easy passes. We're here to move the chains, chump! Got an interesting fact for us?

Amir: I thought the Damon Jones being on ten teams in eight seasons was enough… but how about this: Shawn Bradley has had six triple doubles in his career. Six!

Ethan: And if you count "Poster-worthy photographs of other players dunking" as a stat, which I do, many of those were also quadruple doubles.

Amir: We're making all kinds of new stats today!

Ethan: Until next week, get excited for a boat cruise with Cedric Benson!

Amir and Ethan run StraightCashHomey.net:
The World's Only Random Jersey Sighting Blog!