Although many college students have expressed concern about not getting hired by possible future employers due to their incriminating pictures on Facebook, Chad "Keg Press" Broheem of State University has discovered that this is not always the case. After seeing a Facebook picture of Broheem funneling a bottle of Smirnoff vodka, the Anheuser-Busch company has offered him a job as their official new taste tester.
"In the past, we've had a big problem with our taste testers coincidentally dying from alcohol poisoning," said John H. Purnell, chairman and chief executive officer of Anheuser-Busch International Inc. "But this Chad kid funneled an entire bottle of vodka, and, according to our best sources, he is still alive. I think he's just what we're looking for. If he can do that with liquor, imagine what he can do with beer."
According to Broheem, the picture was taken at Beta Lambda Chi's 37th Annual Golf Pros and Tennis Ho's Party, an event which was described by 78 percent of its attendees as "straight ballin'."
"Betas are pretty well known at State for being the best drinkers and the hardest partiers," said Broheem. "But some douche from another college who somehow made it into our party started saying that the Betas at his school were really lame. As social chair, it was basically my duty to prove this guy wrong, so I grabbed the closest bottle of liquor I could find, funneled the whole thing, and was like, ˜How's THAT for lame, bro!' Then things got sort of hazy and I woke up on the roof next to my English professor and a jar of peanut butter. But I think I made my point."
The picture was taken by Broheem's longtime friend and fellow Beta member Bill "Bill" Paddington.
"I always knew Chad could put them away, but a whole bottle of liquor? Damn," said Paddington. "I was pretty sure he was going to die, but I couldn't do anything to stop him. When the honor of the Betas is at stake, you do what you gotta do."
Paddington was able to confirm most of Broheem's story, although his version did not include Broheem's exclamation of "How's THAT for lame bro!"
"He definitely said something after he finished the vodka," said Paddington, "but it didn't really sound like that. It sounded more like, ˜Hrrlmbroot.'"
According to Broheem's Facebook profile, he is set to graduate from State University in 2009 with a major in beer pong and a minor in freshman girls with low self-esteem. However, after his job offer from Anheuser-Busch, Broheem said he is no longer sure if he plans to stay in school.
"I would love to spend another year here with the Betas," he said, "but job offers like this don't come around very often. There's no guarantee that the job will still be around a year from now. Hell, there's no guarantee I'll still be around a year from now!"
Broheem's doctor confirmed this statement, saying, "If Chad keeps up with his current lifestyle, he should be dead from cirrhosis or some STD in about six months."
Purnell could not confirm whether or not Anheuser-Busch would keep the job position open for Broheem if he decides to remain in college for another year.
"Chad's a great kid, and we would definitely love to have him on the team," said Purnell. "At the same time, there are a lot of Facebook profiles out there that we haven't looked at yet, and if we find someone who looks to be as good of a drinker as Chad is and who wants the job now, we will probably have to offer it to him."
Despite this apparent lack of job security, Broheem did not appear worried.
"There is no way they're going to find anyone out there who can drink like I can," he stated confidently. "Betas are the best drinkers in the world, and I'm the best drinker in Beta, so based on that transsexual property my math prof was talking about when I was napping, I'm the best drinker in the world.
"Who else would they get to taste their beer?" Broheem added. "That tool from the other college who said Betas were lame? Because he sucks."