Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
What Everyone Else is Thinking, According to Jim Peterson
May 11, 2008
Guy Sitting in the Back, Looking At His Watch:
Oh! Oh! Call on Jim Peterson! Jim Peterson! His hand has been in the air for, like, a
now. Call on him. He always knows the answer! Man, how is he able to hold his hand up in the air for so long? I am so impressed with his dedication despite the fact that his arm must be exhausted by now. Whoops, better check my watch again. I don't do it to see how much time is left in class, but merely to time how quickly Jim gets the answers to each and every question. He's brilliant. Every time I grumble "Shut up, you loser" under my breath, I'm just talking to anyone else who may be interrupting Jim while he asks a question or answers one. I wish I could tell him how much I respect and admire him, but I have to leave class really fast so I can tell all of my friends about how awesome he is.
Chick Sitting Next to Jim Peterson:
Oh. My. God. OK look as bored as you can and roll your eyes every time Jim throws his hand up in the air. You don't want to let him know how much you yearn for his pee-pee in your hoo-hah. Or that you even know his name. I'll just play hard-to-get until he answers a few more questions then I'll give in to my desires and teach him the ways of a woman. Virgins are SO
. Especially smart virgins who spend all of their time studying for classes so they can answer every question possible. I'm a virgin too, because I've been saving myself for a man like Jim. I can't wait to discover what sex feels like with him and then cuddle afterwards. OH! He just got another one! I love him and will one day bear his children. I hope he loves Pokemon as much as I love the idea of sucking on Jim's pee-pee. Which I do. A lot.
Dude Watching the Clock Who Groans When Jim Throws His Hand In the Air After The Professor Says, "If there aren't any more questions, class is dismissed.":
Dude, I am just straight jealous of that Jim Peterson kid. I mean, that Jim Peterson
. That's why I'm groaning. He's just so good and so smart! I secretly wish I could study all day and make class go on as long as possible, but I just don't have the skills. Ooo, good question, Jim! I was thinking the same thing myself, but I was too scared to put my hand in the air and ask. You are my hero, Jim. No one else knows, but I play the DS Pokemon game a lot and have been looking for someone to spar with. I should ask Jim if he has any free time to battle after class he's probably super busy with studying though. Maybe I'll invite him to that awesome party I'll be throwing this weekend the one where we're gonna drink nothing but Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's totally not gay or anything. It just tastes way better than beer. Beer is for cretins.
Thank god someone else has another question! Ahhh, good ol' reliable Jim. He's the smartest student ever. Sure, I act exasperated whenever he raises his hand and I try to call on anyone other than him at all times, but that's just so everyone doesn't think I pick favorites. But I do. And it's Jim. Jim Peterson. Jim Wyndam Peterson. And look how his hair is parted perfectly down the middle I admire someone who takes the time to make himself look good in the morning. I'm going to tell all of my buddies about him and hopefully they'll offer him great jobs. I should start writing a few letters of recommendation for Jim, just in case he wants one. I hope Jim asks another question to clarify some information that was already blatantly clear. Always curious and seeking more knowledge that is the true mark of a genius. Or a Jedi.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.