ETHAN: Justine Henin is retiring? Annika Sorenstam is retiring? I swear to God, if Sue Bird is next, I'm going to stop watching women's sports altogether.
AMIR: Don't even joke. Don't even joke.
ETHAN: I'm just sad for poor Danica Patrick. She missed her chance to go out on top. Did last night prove what I've been telling you for years: "Don't ever trust a guarantee from Jameer Nelson?"
AMIR:I only trust Guaran-sheeds, you know that. How much trash do you have to talk for Rasheed Wallace to want to take the moral high road?
ETHAN: That white patch of hair has never looked so dignified. I sort of liked that Nelson was making the guarantee when he was obviously on the worse team. That takes balls, and I hope the Nationals follow suit and make a World Series guarantee.
AMIR: I'll guarantee they WON'T be there. Does that count?
ETHAN: This makes six straight East finals for the Pistons. Dynasty alert?
AMIR: Let me put "six years" in perspective the first year the Pistons made the conference finals (2002-2003) they got swept by the Nets and Danny Manning was on their team.
ETHAN: Yeah, I know, the Pistons are THAT good. No shame in losing to the 2003 Nets, though. That team had Lucious Harris, Kerry Kittles, and Brian Scalabrine. You can't help it when you run into a buzzsaw like that. Why won't anyone give Detroit any love? Is it because they're kind of boring?
AMIR: Probably. I just read that the Celtics and Lakers were equal favorites to win the title. That's WITH the Pistons already advancing. That's a pretty big slap in the face. I would put the Pistons as the favorites to win it all. They're like the Spurs only younger. And less international.
ETHAN: How many games will LeBron's mom end up influencing in these playoffs? Is he the worst son ever? Screaming at his mom the day after Mother's Day, and she's in seats behind the baseline?
AMIR: Did you notice Kevin Garnett trying to hit on her? Which kinda makes sense considering he's closer to her age than LeBrons. If they ever got together, sign that unborn baby to a 10 day contract right now he will be the best basketball player ever.
ETHAN: Are the Spurs done? I was fine with them when they were sort of boring, but this "We're only going to score 11 points in the third quarter" nonsense is getting annoying. What are they doing during halftime, taking shots of Jaeger?
AMIR: If it's true, and a series doesn't start until somebody wins on the others floor, how long are we going to wait for the Western Conference Semis to start? I'm getting bored!
ETHAN: You're a Lakers fan; I think you mean "I'm getting nervous." No answer for Carlos Boozer, is there?
Amir: Just a mach-3 and a garbage bag. He's like Samson but with specifically chest hair.
Ethan: Do you think Mike D'Antoni took the Knicks job as an elaborate joke, or does he really think they can win? I'm hoping he stops trimming his mustache and shows up for work in a bathrobe. "Alright, I've got a hangover
Starbury's in charge today
Amir: I don't know why he spits out his thinly veiled lies. "I've looked at this roster and it's a roster I can win with." clearly means "Do you guys know how much shit I can buy for twenty four million?! I'LL BE RICH!!!"
Ethan: I can't wait to watch Zach Randolph and Eddy Curry try to run. There's a legitimate chance that one of both of them dies trying to get out on a fast break next year. On an unrelated note, you know what I'll never tire of? Spygate! It's my favorite sports story since steroids in baseball.
Amir: I want to just shake Roger Goodell and scream "They lost the Super Bowl anyway! Does it even matter anymore?!" As Rasheed Wallace likes to yell "THAT BALL DON'T LIE!"
Ethan: Goodell needs to be a real leader, like Hank Steinbrenner. Your team's not winning? It's because they're not trying hard enough. Only an idiot wouldn't see that. Now, let's see some effort, Jeter, or we'll ship your ass to Columbus.
Amir: I don't know what or where Wilkes-Barre is, but PACK YOUR BAGS!
Ethan: Can you believe O.J. Mayo was getting cash from agents? He seemed like such a nice, upstanding kid. I guess anyone can get corrupted by sports.
Amir: Why accept money from agencies? You know you're going to get caught. Just wait a year,then release your brand of delicious, but odd tasting citrus based sandwich condiments. "The orange makes it better!"
Ethan: I want to meet the compliance officers at USC. A guy comes in with all sorts of publicity for being from a poor family in West Virginia, and suddenly he's got a closet full of new clothes and a flat screen TV in his dorm room. "Looks good to us!" I hope they're professional wrestling refs at night. Somewhere, Mayo and Reggie Bush are having a hundred-dollar-bill fight.
Ethan: "Hurry up, OJ! You gotta be out of here before Kardashian shows up." Got an interesting fact this week?
Amir: Let's keep it in the wonderful world of Rasheed Wallace. If the Celtics do end up losing to the Pistons in the Eastern finals, they may only have themselves to blame. Did you know THEY were the third team in the Rasheed trade from Atlanta to Detroit? Without the Celtics, Rasheed would have still been in Atlanta
though then the Hawks might have won game seven last week
so who knows!
Ethan: I think they'll have Doc Rivers to blame, too. Until next week, get excited for a Brian Urlacher holdout!
Amir and Ethan also run StraightCashHomey.net: A random jersey blog.