Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Roommate Confessions: Issue 26
May 16, 2008
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been alot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out thetop 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to
My roommate was a jerk and a liar. Every morning after I finish my cereal, I let my dog finish up the milk and any leftover cereal. I then put it in the dishdrainer on top. That way he'll use it for his cereal without it being washed. He ate his cereal every morning with dog slobber and never noticed.
Last year, I lived in a house with 6 other people. 1 of them, Dan, was an alcoholic. He also never bathed and actually stank up the entire house from the 2nd floor. It was like living with a homeless person because he also didn't pay rent and stole our booze, food, and various small things all the time. One day, I had bought some SoCo to mix up SoCo and lime for a party. We only used about 1/4 of it, because SoCo tastes like ass. I came back from work and found about 1/3 of what was left in the bottle missing. I figured that I must have miscounted it before. The next day, I come back from work and find another 1/3 missing and Dan's acting like his usual drunken self. All the booze-stealing finally pissed me off to a point where I couldn't let it go unchecked. I hid the bottle in my closet for the next few days and ordered some ipecac off of eBay. After it came in, I dumped a full bottle in the last of the SoCo and left it out. A couple days later, I come home from work and find chili sprayed all over the snow in the front yard and Dan inside holding his stomach. The bastard still had the nerve to tell me that he didn't steal any of my booze. He just vanished a few months later, so my friends got drunk and smashed up everything in his room and stole a few games,
s, and some stupid claw fantasy weapon, (he was a goth kid), and pissed all over his bed. Then they taped a plastic sheet over the door to keep out the smell. A few months later, he came back to grab all his shit and we haven't heard from him since.
Keith, School Not Given
So my roommate in the dorms last year was a total douche. He let his smelly rotc buddy sleep in our room for a week. And he let his smelly girlfriend sleep in the room when his smelly
buddy wasn't there. Anyways this kid was super messy. He never took out the trash. If he had food wrappers or half eaten sandwhiches he'd throw them on the floor. as a result of this our room got mice. Needless to say, I was furious. I told him to get rid of the mice, but he never did. So instead of going out and buying traps myself, I just started throwing food under his bed. Every time he would leave the room, I would throw some of his food under his bed so the mice wouldn't come to my side of the room. It worked too. He had a gigantic pile of duffle bags and shit like that under his bed, so he never noticed that there was a bunch of mice living under his bed. A couple of weeks ago when we were cleaning out our room he took all the shit out from under his bed and the mice had built little nests out of food wrappers and boxes. He was pissed. The best part was when he was cleaning it up one of the boxes came apart and he spilt mouse shit and a dead mouse baby on himself.
Joe, University of Wyoming
Yes, I set a camera up in your bedroom and filmed you and your girlfriend, and yes, you found the camera once you had finished up and it had all been recorded, and yes, you made me apologize, but all it taught me was to hide the camera better.
John, University of Minnesota
You were mean to me all year, called me "the freak" and "dirty whore" to all of your sorority friends, locked me out of the room on purpose on multiple occasions, often right before football games with my ticket inside the room, and laughed about it later, kept the lights on until 3 in the morning, and just generally never acknowledged my existence, even though I tried from August through spring break to be nice to you. I'm not sure what I did to you to make you hate me so much and do awful things to me, but don't think I was going to take that lying down. I staged the break-in to our room during move-out week, hid a bunch of my stuff in my car to make it plausible, and stole all your favorite shirts, your digital camera, your iPod, most of your food, your way too expensive make-up kit, some jewelry, an ass-load of school supplies, two pairs of shoes, a hat, some belts, all the emergency money you kept in your closet, and all of your alcohol. If your computer had been in the room, I probably would have stolen that too. Oh, andI also put tile cleaner in your conditioner, bleach in your shampoo, and I had my boyfriend pee in your face wash and your hair gel.
Anonymous, Virginia Tech
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