Anyone familiar with MySpace is familiar with the bulletin whore—that girl on your friends list who uploads 17 pictures of herself making slightly varied facial expressions with captions alternating between "OMG iM so UglY LOL" and "4M a LiNE BoiZ!!!!" You know what I'm talking about. And you, like me, are sick of her shit.

But nothing irritates us more than the bulletin we can't escape: the one that confirms, once and for all, that no man yet has been able to stand her.

br />Guys post as : ID BE THIS BOYFRIEND
Girls post as : A True Boyfriend/ I WANT THIS BOYFRIEND
¢Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.
¢Tease her and let her tease you back.
¢Stay up all night with her when shes sick.
¢Watch her favorite movie with her.
¢Give her the world.
¢Let her wear your clothes.
¢When shes bored and sad, hang out with her.
¢Let her know shes important.
¢Kiss her in the pouring rain.
¢When she runs up at you crying.. the first thing you say is.. "Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

I just need to tackle some of these issues because the alternative is much more physically taxing and unlikely to be dismissed by authorities. Just a bit of light banter on some of the ones that are especially obnoxious, mostly because I can't be bothered to do them all.

"Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything."

Girls: you are not that entertaining. No one is that entertaining. And I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I'm almost positive the telephone wasn't invented so people could sit in silence together. I could be wrong though, so I'm just going to check.

tel¢e¢phone [tel-uh-fohn] noun, verb, -phoned, -phon¢ing.
-noun
1. an apparatus, system, or process for transmission of sound or speech to a distant point, esp. by an electric device.

Ah, I'm right. Awkwaarrrd…

"Tease her and let her tease you back."

But most importantly, let her tease you back. And choose your words wisely guys, because we can hold our own—but don't worry, we fight fair.

No, really! Totally even-steven. You say our hair looks funny after we've been rolling around in bed with you, expect to be reminded of every time you've ever failed at anything. Laugh at us when we spill a drink and expect the whole party to hear about your small penis. Make a joke when we stumble while walking and expect an elbow to the balls.

Like I said…totally even-steven.

"Stay up all night with her when she's sick."

Especially if we're all lethargic or on any sleep-inducing medication. Then you're definitely staying over. If you fall asleep, you're automatically shit at relationships—what if we wake and need you in the night? See, it's all about prioritizing:

1. Me
2. Me when I'm sick/crying
3. Me when I'm bored
4. Me when I want presents
5. My family
6. My friends
7. My dog
8. Your job


13. Your family
14. Your health






379. Your friends

Copy that down.

"Watch her favorite movie with her."

This is especially important because it cuts down on time we have to spend watching ESPN with you. Plus, I like "The Notebook," "Under the Tuscan Sun," and "Sweet Home Alabama," so why shouldn't you?


"Give her the world."


Guys, you may struggle with this since it seems a little vague. Every person values different things, right?

Wrong. We couldn't be making it easier for you. This is the most specific request on the list. What do we want? The world. Earth. Everything on it. Grab a harness.

No, no, okay. Presents work. The shinier the better. Anything we can hold, wear, or brag about, particularly if it will make our friends jealous.


"Let her wear your clothes."

This DOES NOT mean stop buying us more of our own. It's not that we don't like shopping sprees where we can buy more shit than we can fit into our homes, it's just that we want everything you own too. (This includes all your time, energy, attention, money, and soul).

If you're constantly bare-chested because you've run out of shirts, freezing in the winter because we've taken all your hoodies, and frightening the neighbors in the morning when you get the paper because we "borrowed" all your pajama pants, we've done our job.


"Kiss her in the pouring rain."

THIS IS SO IMPORTANT IN A RELATIONSHIP. OH MY GOD I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGHGOHONDCOsaijdoaijdoasjo!!!!!!1!!

We don't care about things like compatibility, fidelity, companionship, or dumb shit like your personality.

A really perfect guy kisses us in the pouring rain. We definitely won't complain about our makeup running, our new shoes getting ruined, or our meticulously styled hair getting messed up.  Seriously. We won't.

Honestly.

The fact is, gentlemen, that a kiss like this is frankly ideal. We've dreamt about it since our first crush, and if that wasn't enough, we saw it happen in "The Notebook." And if you haven't realized this by now, if we saw it in "The Notebook," you're expected to make it happen, because that's what real love is all about.

Live in Arizona? Move. You are never getting laid in a state with that kind of annual rainfall figure.


"When she runs up at you crying.. the first thing you say is.. 'Who's ass am i kicking babe?' "

If there's anything I like more than a guy with too much time on his hands, it's a guy who's into violence. If I have a problem and you don't whip out the brass knuckles, we're through. I need a real man. No girls want you to say, "What's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?" Don't even ask what the issue is.

Reminder: Women hate talking about their feelings and you'll seem like a huge pussy for asking about them.

Just remember that there is only one way to stop our tears: kicking some ass. Strange man groped me? Kick his ass. Ex boyfriend insulted me? Kick his ass. Professor gave me a D? Kick his ass. Mom and I had an argument? Kick her ass.

Tell you what guys: cut the foreplay. Next time you see so much as a twinkle in my eye, man up and lay it out: "Who's ass am I kicking while you do the laundry, you base whore?"

No closing comments. Go to Hell.



(Note: the author regretfully admits that she has, over the past couple of years, come into possession of a heaping pile of her boyfriend's clothing. Her t-shirt drawer is a disaster, but she hopes you won't judge her too harshly.)