Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Jim Peterson's Right Hand Has Something To Say
May 17, 2008
Read the previous article
Jim, I really think we should talk. Please stop that for a second! You don't need to ask any more questions to Professor Taber, honestly. Class is supposed to get out in three minutes and no one else is raising their hands. No one. And you understand everything perfectly, I know. How do I know? Jim, you've used me to write down literally every single word that has been spoken in class. These notes are beyond extensive you even took notes when that chick sitting next to you coughed "
!" when you raised your hand for the eighth time after class had been going for only 10 minutes. Just put me down for a second so we can talk.
I'm tired, Jim. Really tired. You raise me up at least 15 times per class every day, and you take, like, at least 21 credit hours. Who are you trying to impress anyway? Even the professors are sick of you. And meanwhile, I'm falling asleep because no blood is getting to me. Ever hear of gravity, Jim?
Jesus Christ, man. I'm
. I'm not going to call on you when I ask you a rhetorical question. I mean seriously?
You raise me all day, and when I'm not raised I'm writing down an insane amount of notes. I know most of your professors put their notes online, Jim, so don't play coy with me. I know you want them to see you writing notes so they get impressed. But they're not, Jim. They're more impressed by the chick with the librarian glasses' boobs. Heck, everyone is. I know even you are, judging by how frequently you use me to masturbate while looking at her Facebook pictures. On behalf of myself and Penis down there, could you give that a break too? Once an hour is too much, man. I'm gonna have arthritis within the week at this rate.
This is really just not fair. Look at Lefty over there. I know you sometimes raise him when I get worn out, but only sometimes. Why not start with him some days and use me as the backup? He doesn't even have to take notes. All I'm asking for is a little fairness, big guy.
Anyways, that's all I wanted to OH,
Class is supposed to get out now, but everyone is going to have to stay a little while longer so you can ask a question about the final? That's not for another five weeks, Jim. You're a dick, you know that?
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.