Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
A Defense Of The Natives In The New Indiana Jones Advertisements
May 21, 2008
The advertisements for the new Indiana Jones movie that can now be seen everywhere feature a band of angry indigenous people, Mayan ruins towering in the background, chasing a sheepishly smiling Indiana Jones. What a dick!
I am unequivocally on the side of the natives here. The ads should naturally leave us all with the following questions and apprehensions.
What the hell was he doing there?
What right does he have, coming out of nowhere, trespassing on the land of these indigenous people? Based on his history you know he is probably up to no good. He probably wants to take some of their stuff, maybe find clues pertaining to an even bigger mystery, and if anyone gets in his way he'll kill them. If those natives are smart, they'll kill him before he tells anyone else about them and missionaries arrive to destroy their beliefs, western diseases kill them, and western companies come to take their land, chop the trees down and possibly build hotels and casinos.
Indiana Jones is surely obviously by something ignorant
By Indiana's facial expression you can tell he's not overly worried about what has transpired. In fact, he's rather amused. Here are a few ignorant things that would naturally be floating through a persons head that would be amused in such circumstances- Whelp I've done it again, these natives are so stupid they want to kill me, these natives are so stupid they'll never catch me, these ignorant savages! their treasures belong in an American museum, how stupid these natives are to protect themselves and their territory from Westernization and the inescapable tide of progress.
Why are those natives so mad?
Here are just a few of the likely possibilities of Indiana's behavior that have made the natives so mad- Indiana stole one or some of their ancient artifacts, desecrated one of their gravesites (possibly in the search of artifacts), burned one of their pagan places of worship, attempted to convert them to Christianity, killed a bunch of their people, became involved in local politics, spread disease, got them hooked on whiskey, seduced or ravaged the chieftain's wife.
What would the parallel be if we were the natives and Indiana Jones a Mayan?
Lets make an analogy. Indiana Jones stealing an artifact and running away is comparable to a Mayan sneaking into
headquarters, stealing their secret gravy recipe and taking flight. Unfortunately some overweight security guard noticed and sounded the alarm. Here's the poster- People in suits, priest robes, football uniforms, umpires, and construction workers chase the sheepishly smiling Mayan as he charges down Fifth Avenue. Churches, neon lights of fast food restaurants, strip clubs, and smoke belching factories glower in the background as the Mayan makes his unlikely escape.
Indiana's possible fates:
Film version- Indiana runs down to a river under a hail of poisoned arrows, hatchets, and rocks. He miraculously makes it to the aeroplane waiting for him unscathed. He rouses the drunken pilot from his inebriated slumber and they fly off to freedom to the rancor of the primitive savages below.
Reality- Indiana is overtaken in the forest by the quick and agile natives. After all, he's an old man, not in particularly good shape, and unaccustomed to the tropical heat and running through a jungle. Woosy from the effects of numerous poison arrow wounds, Indiana collapses to the ground and screams in terror as the natives bash his head in with bludgeons. He regains consciousness tied up and surrounded by the dancing natives. He is to undergo a frightening series of torturous agonies before finally dying of dehydration.
Indie's Best Case Scenario:
Indiana evades the natives somehow. Unfortunately he has become hopelessly lost in the jungle. He takes a bad step and sprains his ankle. Moving around becomes a pain beyond description but he has no choice. Bad water, mosquito and snake bites, sunburn, loneliness, and terror conspire to undo our whip wielding adventurer before he is finally killed by piranhas.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.