Ethan: DEE-TROIT BASKETBALL. (You'd better agree, or Rip Hamilton will elbow you in the mouth.)
Ethan: Hey, don't talk about Grandmama like that. That team had Charlie Ward and Dennis Scott. 3-D, baby! You already think the Celtics are really going to make the Finals? The Pistons can't steal a game in Boston?
Amir: The Pistons look they're even boring themselves at this point. How can you be a real fan of this team? Flip Saunders even turned to one of his assistants in the third quarter and asked "Is there anything else on?"
Ethan: I'm not a fan of the Pistons; they bore me, too. But the Celtics aren't exactly a thrill a minute, either. That Cleveland series was unwatchable until Game Seven. Even LeBron seemed to know it; he compared himself to Dominique Wilkins after the series ended. Shouldn't you compare yourself to someone who won a title? There's only limited glory in being the Tom Chambers of your generation.
Amir: The Human Highlight film didn't need to win a title. Who needs rings when you can windmill dunk during a game! Greatest Clipper ever!
Ethan: Did you know Kevin Garnett has a month-old baby? I hope he's super-intense when it comes to fatherhood, dusting baby powder on his hands and then clapping to make a dusty cloud in the baby's face.
Amir: I did not know that. I hope he feeds it by swallowing food, then pounding his chest, yelling until the meal gets regurgitated. Who do you think is favored to win it all, now that we're down to the final four?
Ethan: The Lakers, right? I'm hoping they win the title, then Kobe immediately starts feuding with Pau Gasol over something beard-related.
Amir: Hubie Brown actually emailed me about Pau. He had this to say: "Now, you got Gazal in the middle. And here's a guy who can give you the points, and he can give you the assists, which in our league, is a great addition."
Amir: Better their plane than the third quarter of game seven. Zingaroo!
Ethan: I'm still convinced they've been sandbagging and can score 150 a game if they want to. There's no way a team is actually that excruciatingly boring to watch, then suddenly great when it matters. Unless that team is the Bulls, and "when it matters" is the lottery.
Amir: How much money do you think Mike D'Antoni would have paid for that pick? $24 Million?
Ethan: He'd have traded most of his mustache for it. Don't feel too bad for him, though; he should have a solid shot at the #1 pick for many years to come.
Amir: Who would you draft if you were Chicago?
Ethan: Beasley. Although taking Rose would free Kirk Hinrich up to finally meet the true destiny of someone who looks like him: playing bass in an emo band with a name like "The Rachel September Alliance." You?
Amir: I would take Beasely as well. Bulls seem to have a lot of great guards, but no big men. Sorry Joakim Noah Though since when have the Bulls needed a good big man? They're a team who's legacy is built on the backs of two Bill's: Cartwright and Wennington. Go Rose!
Ethan: Somewhere, Luc Longley sheds an Australian tear over being forgotten. Are you worried that the NFL opted out of its CBA? Are you ever sure exactly what that means?
Amir: Until there's a lockout, I, the fan, will not care about any bargaining agreement collective or otherwise.
Ethan: I like that the NFL managed to come up wtih something more confusing than its salary cap calculations. You're telling us now there might be a lockout in two years? Seems like they should be able to work out their differences by then. To me, the only CBA is still the Continental Basketball Association. If it's good enough for Rumeal Robinson, it's good enough for me.
Ethan: Are you kidding? This rant is great; there are so many expletives bleeped out that all you hear are the prepositions. "(BEEP) of (BEEP) in " That should get the point across. Otherwise, he's going to move on to plan B: stubbing out his cigarettes on Miguel Cabrera's palms to make an example of him. How impressive is Jon Lester?
Amir: I dunno two walks? Just another imperfect game to me
Ethan: I'll still take it, but then I'm a Phillies fan and have been having to watch Adam Eaton. At this point, I'd take anyone else. It's gotten to the point where I'm wondering if the Phils could get Russ Ortiz just to stop the bleeding. Got an interesting fact?
Amir: Let's not waste any time here: Kobe Bryant's dad coached the Sparks for like a season.
Ethan: Funnier still, he went 25-9 and made the conference finals, but got canned anyway. That shows you how tough it is to please the WNBA's dozens of fans. I've got a no-hitter fact. Al Atkinson threw two no-hitters, one in 1884, one in 1886. In both no-hitters, the other team scored at least one run. Those HBP and passed balls will get you every time. Until next week, get excited for the Indy 500!
Amir and Ethan also run StraightCashHomey.net: A random sports jersey blog!