I rarely go to the gas station anymore without a friend because I know the gas prices are going to try and rape me. Just yesterday I paid four dollars a gallon for the very first time, and I won't lie, I curled up in my back seat and whimpered—not because I was dropping sixty bucks on gas, but because I'm addicted. The politicians have been telling us all along that we have to curb our addiction to oil. But how do you break addictions? You pay someone to lock you in a room until you come to terms with yourself (and you're unstoppable lust for Saudi Howdy). I'm not doing that anytime soon. So how should we cope? Here are some suggestions:


Put Yourself in Someone Else's Shoes:
"Sure, gas prices suck, but at least you're not that guy." This is arguably the best approach to make you feel better about anything. Cat died? Hey, at least your dad didn't lock you in the basement for 24 years while you gave birth to your brothers and sisters. Boyfriend broke up with you? At least this isn't your boyfriend. I'm telling you, it works. This is probably how Jacob copes with never getting any camera time on Little People Big World.


Reverse Psychology: Dr. Claw and his cronies over at OPEC love making us suffer. We know this because the news tells us so. But if we pretend it doesn't bother us, then maybe they'll get bored and pick on someone else. So next time you're at the gas station, put on a exaggerated show about how much you love spending lots of money on oil. If you're a girl, I suggest spraying yourself head to toe with gasoline while tossing your hair in the wind. For good measure, suck the gas off of your fingers and say "Now THAT'S what I call filling up."


Buy a Big Car: Be your own boss. Who cares if Sir Arthur Conan Oil is getting rich off of you? Don't let the system get you down. I suggest buying an angry lookin' bastard of a truck that downs gasoline like raw eggs at breakfast. Buy some of those novelty "nuts" to hang off your trailer hitch to prove that you have 'em, and make sure you hit a squirrel every once and a while to keep fresh blood on your tires. Seriously, it's all about attitude. This is a country where the Terminator gets to be governor. The Terminator! Sometimes we need to sidestep logic and reason in order to prove a point.


Invent an Alternative Fuel Source: I'm not saying you should trap your farts in mason jars or anything like that, but come on, how hard can it be to come up with something new? I mean, ethanol is pretty much vodka. I'm no science major or anything, but I imagine that if something is flammable, it's probably okay to put it in your gas tank. Why not try gun power? Or C-4? Or the bath oils your grandma bought you for graduation? Just liquidate all those bottles under your sink with skulls and crossbones on them, and the oil crisis will be solved!


Hopefully this helps someone cope with gas prices, or at the very least, their rocky relationship with their boyfriend. It's only a matter of time before we're back in Flintstones cars, so we might as well make the best of what we have.