Boss: Not so fast, Sturdivant. Can you come in here a minute?
Sam Sturdivant: (Walks in, winded. Sits.) What.
Boss: Sturdivant, why did I just watch you stroll into work an hour and a half late?
Boss: Wow. You just fell asleep. Unbelievable.
SS: I absolutely did not.
Boss: You're drooling.
SS: That's just, um water. Stretchy water. Something's wrong with the fountain out there I think.
Boss: Sturdivant, my patience for your endless list of excuses is rapidly wearing thin. This is the fifth straight time you've been tardy.
SS: I mean, yeah?
Boss: It's also your fifth day working here.
SS: Oh, weird. Same number. That's spooky.
Boss: Kid, give me one reason why I shouldn't shit-can your ass right this second.
SS: hmmwha? Oh. I, uh I would, sir, but I'm not at liberty to talk about it.
Boss: Son, if you at all value this job, I recommend you spill, and quick.
SS: Well, can I trust you?
Boss: Fine. Whatever. Out with it.
SS: Sir, I I'm a superhero.
Boss: A superhero.
SS: A costumed crime-fighter? You know, like Batman? Iron Man? Except for reals.
Boss: That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard but goddamnit you have an honest face. Go on.
SS: It's 100 percent true, sir. My, uh, my alter ego is (looks around office) Stapler Boy.
Boss: Stapler Boy.
SS: Yes sir, because, see, as a teenager, I accidently got my hand stapled by this radioactive Swingline.
Boss: This is incredibly implausible. I'm listening
SS: Also my parents were murdered right before my eyes by a series of horrific, um, paper cuts so I walk the streets at night, shooting staples at things, to avenge them.
Boss: But how did paper-
SS: Sir! Please. I don't like to talk about it.
Boss: Of course. I'm so sorry for your loss. But, with all due respect, what does any of this have to do with your excessive absence?
SS: Well, like this morning, for instance, I was busy saving orphans from a flash flood in Venezuela. I can fly at the speed of staples, did I mention that part?
Boss: No. (Tosses a staple.) Hmm that doesn't seem very fast what about the day before? You reeked of alcohol
SS: Oh! I spent the previous night doing battle with my archnemesis. Comrade Vodkaface. He's Russian.
Boss: and the other stench? That urine smell?
SS: Hmm. That was because of his sidekick Petey Piss Puddle.
Boss: You also had a phallus drawn on your forehead
SS: The Magic Marker. That bastard.
Boss: and this weird stain on your pants.
SS: Courtesy of that dastardly Nocturnal Emission, no doubt! Anyway I'm sure you heard about that epic four-way brawl. It was in all the papers.
Boss: This is a newspaper.
SS: Right. Well, maybe if you would stop hassling me every goddamn day and focus on your own job, you guys wouldn't miss important stories like that.
Boss: Hmm. I apologize, Sturdivant. I shouldn't have doubted you.
Intern: (rushing in) Sir! There's a four-alarm fire in the building across the street!
Boss: My God! Sturdivant! What the hell are you waiting for!?
SS: You mean, you want me to go write about it? I was about to take my lunch break
Boss: No! Sturdivant, you have to save those people!
SS: Oh, uh, but I mean my costume looks ridiculous, heh
Boss opens window.
SS: But we're like 25 stories up.
Boss: I know, it's the perfect height! I can see the smoke from here Fly like staples, Stapler Boy!
Boss: GO! (Shoves Sturdivant out window.)
Intern: Um, sir? What the hell.
Boss: Hang on a sec. (Looks down.) Wait for it wait for it oooo, little rough on the landing. God I hate slackers. Hey kid, can you go repost that job listing on Career Builder?