Amir: I don't know who you are impersonating, as Brent Barry AND Gregg Popovich disagree with that sentiment.
Ethan: Since when should Brent Barry be trusted about anything? We're talking playoffs here, not the 1996 Slam Dunk Contest. That was obviously a foul, Barry just didn't "sell" it well enough.
Amir: Other obvious things about the last minute include Fisher's shot hitting the rim which should have lead to a shot clock reset and Kobe going to the line for the first time in 29 shot attempts! Either way, Spurs fans can't feel great about their last option being Brent Barry or Robert Horry. 73 years worth of sucking.
Ethan: I actually wanted the Lakers to win the series; that non-call just irritated me. Fisher's hip slammed Barry in the ear. How is that not a foul? (Interesting fact: Fisher's hip is like a seashell; if you put your ear to it, you can hear the sound of Jazz fans booing.) You're right about the Spurs, though; do they have the worst bench of the teams still in the playoffs?
Amir: Their bench is so bad they have to bench their highest scorer and bring him in four minutes into the game just to trick themselves into thinking their bench isn't just a 1996 All NBA-Third team.
Ethan: Jacque Vaughn is going to hit his stride at any moment now. He's just a late, late, late bloomer. Matt Bonner is a beast. Every team can't have Jason Maxiell on the bench. What got into him the other night? Pep talk from Theo Ratliff about what the 1962 Finals were like?
Amir: Maxiell has a good game every couple weeks, then Rasheed yells him back into obscurity. Who do you think is favored in this now best of three Eastern Finals?
Ethan: Celtics. They're not going to lose at home twice in the same series. I think in lieu of playing a potential game seven, the NBA should just have KG and Sheed glare and scream at each other for three hours. First one to wet his pants goes home. You taking the Pistons?
Amir: I'm rooting for the Celtics but I think the Pistons are the better team. Sorry, let me rephrase, I'm rooting for the Celtics BECAUSE the Pistons are the better team.
Ethan: You just want the Lakers to win any possible way, don't you? Even if it involves a terrible hipcheck to a player's face as he tries to get off a game-winner at the buzzer?
Amir: I don't have to justify anything to you, my mind is already on Game 5.
Ethan: Do the Lakers finish it up in Game 5 and win 4-1? Or does Gregg Popovich not wear his makeup, let his mangled visage turn Kobe into stone, and help extend the series? I'm thinking the Spurs need some sort of Medusa-like intervention.
Amir: The Spurs are so deflated I can't imagine them winning in Los Angeles. They already play uninspired basketball on the road in the playoffs but after that Game 4 wire-to-wire loss they are probably already thinking of Summer break in the nine countries they come from.
Ethan: Damon Stoudamire's entire life is a summer vacation. Still, I feel sorry for him for having to carry around his rookie of the year trophy everywhere he goes just so he can prove he used to be good.
Amir: Wow, look at these other conference finalists Mighty Mouse beat out for that award: KG, Rasheed Wallace, McDyess, and his teammates Kurt Thomas, Brent Barry and Michael Finley. The Spurs must use the 95 draft as a guide for free agent signings. Stand by your phone George Zidek!
Ethan: Vince Young says he almost retired after his first season? Are the Titans' receivers that bad?
Ethan: Just wait for this year. Mike Williams is apparently in such good shape he can now run two routes in a row.
Amir: Time to fly!
Ethan: Are you excited for the Jay Bruce Era's beginnings in Cincinnati? I know it's only one game, but his slugging percentage is 1.333. If anything, it will probably be going up.
Amir: Nobody is more excited than Jim Carrey, who gets free Bruce Almighty plugs from every newspaper in America from here on out!
Ethan: I'm cautiously optimistic about him being a superstar, but with Dusty Baker involved, anything can happen. I'd love to be in Dusty's mind for an hour. I'm sure it's just absolute silence, and occasionally the word "toothpick" echoes through the vast empty expanse.
Amir: My question is: What were the Reds waiting for? Do they have anything to lose by not calling this guy up sooner?
Ethan: By keeping him down, they put off his arbitration clock for a year, so they get an extra year of Bruce's services before he becomes a free agent. So that's smart. But they paid Corey Patterson $3 million to play the same position, which in the realm of questionable decisions is right up there with eating more than $10 worth of food from Taco Bell. Except 8 plates of Nachos Bell Grande would probably have a better OBP than Patterson. Have you noticed the Phillies are scoring 15 and 20 runs in a game like it's nothing?
Amir: Shouldn't they be stockpiling those runs for Non-Rockies opponents?
Ethan: I'm convinced they stopped trying to score runs on Monday night when they dropped 20, but the Rockies are so bad it was unavoidable. Chase Utley hit an RBI single in the 8th and then mouthed "I'm so sorry!" to the Rockies' dugout. I'd feel bad if they hadn't swept the Phils in the playoffs last year. How does Willie Randolph still have a job?
Amir: Mets aren't that bad. Yankees are also two games under .500 and nobodys screaming for Girardi's head.
Ethan: Girardi didn't preside over that terrible collapse the Mets had last year, though. Or lose two of three to that Rockies team we were just talking about being fairly terrible. The Mets should just pick some random person on the roster and blame their struggles on him. Endy Chavez, this is all your fault. You jerk.
Amir: You think his full name is Endrew?
Ethan: Actually, it's "Endor." His parents were huge Ewoks fans. Got an interesting fact this week?
Amir: Well after watching Robert Horry stumble towards the finish line of his career these past four games I did some digging to see how great Horry used to be. The answer: Not very. His career averages are a pretty mediocre 7 points, 4.8 rebs and 34% from beyond the arc.
Ethan: You forgot about his willingness to eviscerate the other team's best player if that's what it takes to win. He'd put Kobe in a giant microwave or kiddie pool full of snakes if he thought it would win them this series. Do you think he belongs in the Hall of Fame?
Amir: The Hall of Fame of mediocre players maybe.
Ethan: Seven rings are impressive, but that should be its own reward. If he has some sort of accident with a lawnmower in his old age, he'll have a ring for every remaining finger.
Amir: Maybe he can give those fingers to Bill Russell who needs some extra.
Ethan: Until next week, get excited for the Penguins' attempted comeback!
Ethan and Amir also run StraightCashHomey.net: A Random Jersey Sighting Blog!