Hi Guys!

Mindy's off this week, and I've been asked to fill in! Yay! I'm not a "real" sex columnist YET, but I've sent lots of stuff out to tons of NYC papers and popular on-line mags, so you never know.

I totally live and breathe sex and relationships though, so I'm SO happy to be writing about it for you guys this week. Let's get started.

Sex. LOL. Sex can be so funny, but it can also be really serious. Sex can be both funny and serious. Like one time I was making out with this guy in a cab and when the cab stopped at a red light the guy hit his head on the partition. Funny. But then I never heard from him again and felt super insecure. Serious. The guy was like lipstick: after we made out, he totally faded.

What's the deal with guys who can't commit to me emotionally? It's like, I just can't seem to get close to the opposite sex. Men are like uncrackable eggs. I don't know, maybe having a boyfriend isn't all it's scrambled up to be.

But, it's not like I haven't totally done the whole experimentation thing. I have. But I don't think chicks will ever really do it for me. I guess in my house, I'd rather have hardwood floors than wall to wall carpet.

Speaking of wanting hardwood, I hate how all the guys who treat me really well are the ones that just don't turn me on. Men are like bras: the really supportive ones are always the ugliest.

And the prettiest ones are always the most difficult to get off! But that, my friends, is a whole other column entirely (that hopefully will be published soon) called: Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro

Wow, Metro Makes Me Wanna Wretchtro might be my first published piece of writing. That's cool. I mean it's so much better than my thesis on how the tonal vibrations of the chromatic scale relates to the neuronal connections of the amygdala. And also so much better than the lyrical novel I've been working on for the past five years about the relationship between conscious guilt and the spacetime continuum. Okay, well that's it for me this week (sobs quietly to herself), I'm spent! LOL! (continues to sob)