Beer Pong. A classic game that unites people from all across the country. Through my countless hours of research, I have been able to examine many of the different types of people that enjoy this fine game, and what it is that makes them so very special. Here goes.


'Hey bro! It isn't fucking beer pong! Only pussies call it beer pong. Where I'm from we call it BEIRUT!' Fuck this guy, he just needs to realize that NO ONE cares what the game is called, all we care about is getting drunk. Period.

"Is There Beer in that Cup?"

Is there a dick in your pants? Grow the fuck up. This is the douche bag who has to check your cup every time one of his shots rims out. He walks over, peeks into the cup and deems it playable, but clearly, he isn't really satisfied. ?OK, but that is kinda bullshit, there is like a teaspoon in that cup.' God forbid one of his shots rims out. They act like they are Michael Jordan missing a dunk over Stephen Hawkins on a Play Skool hoop, it just isn't that big of a deal.

The Pro

Uh oh, the pro has entered the building. You know this guy. He comes ready to play. First on the table, last off. He usually plays with a teammate who is pretty good, but can not possibly be as good as him, I mean, come on. He gets up by a few cups, and the gloves come off. He is a master of the trash talk, he can use the word 'fag' like no other, and NOBODY has the array of high five combinations that this guy has when he and his partner score.

?Can You Kiss Those?'

What a dick. This is the guy that has to have every cup touching at all times. He will straight up go Bob Villa on your ass and measure the distance between the cups. He wont stand for cups that aren't kissing, it just isn't in his playbook. This guy will not sleep until the cups are closer than conjoined twins in a New York Subway.

Ray Charles

This guy also sucks. He is the opposite of the kisser. He is the Stevie Wonder of beer pong. The cups are spread out like a fucking 10.0 on the Richter Scale and he DOESN'T NOTICE. Sometimes it's indifference, but usually, it's stupidity. The Ray Charles is the Kryptonite to the Kisser, it has always been an epic battle.

Bounce Master

ADD. This is the Ritalin kid. Can't stop – won't stop bouncing. He lives his life bouncing off the walls day in and day out, and his beer pong style wont be any different. He might make one bounce a game, but he doesn't really care. Oh shit…look at that, Top Gun just came on TV – see ya.

Shitty Shit Talker

'Oh remember that time I fucked your mom! It was so cool.' Dink Dink. These guys are as witty as it gets. There are 3 moves in their repertoire: making faces (very mature), screaming (OH, you got me!), mom jokes (class act – such a class act). Let me tell ya, these moves work! Oh dude, sorry I airballed that shot, that guy just made such a scary face! Bullshit. Stick with my technique, I just call out the names of a random American Gladiator and bust a load in the direction of the shooter – trust me, it works. LASER! Squirt

Rule Breaker

Pray that there is no confusion in any game, because if there is a rule breaker on the table, he WILL cheat. You just make the game winning shot? ?No dude, don't you know that rule? The final shot has to be done with Kenny Loggins and ALF as your guest shooters. God, I thought everybody knew that rule. Rookies.'

Naked Lap Enthusiasts

Fags. These are the guys that insist on taking a naked lap when they get shut out. Even if the house rules demand something different, they want the naked lap. Listen boys, the naked lap was put in place to see women naked, not to see your needle dick run around the table. I think when dudes get shut out – two women from the party should be chosen to give the winners blowjobs – seems logical to me.

Ritual Dick

This is the guy who insists on doing his lame pre-shot routine before EVERY shot. 'Hey, remember that time it was funny to cross yourself before a shot?' Me neither. 'Oh, hey, hey, remember how cool it was when I blew on the ball, rubbed it on my nipples, and THEN SHOT?!' That shit sucked. The only pre-shot ritual I have ever accepted, and will ever accept is if the person reads an entire Goosebumps novel and then shoots. Say Cheese and Die bitch.

Let's Play Something Different. This Table Sucks.

This guy clearly sucks at beer pong and only calls for another game because he can't deal with it. Nobody cares if you suck dude, just play the game and stop whining about it. I know, I KNOW you are better at your table. One time, I saw this guy make the┬žame winning shot, eyes closed, left handed, from the back of the room, bounce, through the Temple of Doom, across the Eliminator, beyond Thunderdome, and under Waterworld…but that was on his table, this table sucks. Let's play something different.