With predictions from commentators Tony the Tiger and Mr. Peanut

Super Heavyweight Class – Bulbous White Man Title

Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man


Michelin Man

"A grrrreat matchup, here we'll see the industry's two fattest white guys try to outspar each other. Now, barring any appearances by the Ghostbusters, this fight should consist of 10 rounds of amazing body shots that look painful but are absorbed incredibly easily by the fighters' cushy exteriors. In the 11th, however, the Michelin Man will use his cute Michelin Dog to distract Stay-Puft and send delicious marshmallow-y creaminess flying into the grandstands with a haymaker. What a fight!" – Tony

"…" – Mr. Peanut

Random Draw – If We're Lucky Maybe They'll Both Die

Kool-Aid Man


The Burger King

"Unless you're a Dane Cook fan, this randomly chosen matchup provides the chance to see some of the most hated mascots in America beat the frosting out of each other. These fighters don't have a real rivalry, but I think I speak for everyone when I say that I want to see these mascots battered and bruised. Both of these characters are experts in home invasion, and hopefully tonight both of them will be breaking into the emergency room with mortal injuries. However, I think that after getting over the creepiness of being silently presented with fattening food, Kool-Aid will use his massive body to crush the King. This should be a grrrreat four-round match." – Tony

"…" – Mr. Peanut

Middleweight Bout – The Bloodiest Moustache Ride Ever

Rich Uncle Pennybags


Julius Pringles

"The night's middleweight fight will feature two men that look nearly identical on the stat sheet (and when drawn). These grrrreat moustachioed fighters will begin the fight mirroring each other's every move for five rounds. Then, in the sixth, I predict that after Pennybags attempts to sell Park Avenue to Pringles for only $100, Pringles will jam a scrumptious pizza flavored Pringle down the throat of Pennybags. The razor sharp Pringle shards cutting into Pennybags' jugular will send him to the mat, and Pringles will walk away champion." – Tony

"…" – Mr. Peanut

Senior Title – Delicious Food Tycoons Can't Remember Why They're Here

Orville Redenbacher


Colonel Sanders

"As much as I hate to say it, this matchup will probably be a grrreat big snoozer. Orville will be greased up with Movie Style butter, and Sanders will be covered in chicken oil. These fighters will slip away from each other constantly, never able to land a real shot. It will end in a 7-round split decision." – Tony

"I'm usually very softly spoken, but I've just been waiting to say that PEANUTS ARE BETTER THAN POPCORN! I HOPE ORVILLE GETS HIS ASS KICKED BY THE COLONEL! Peace suckaz!" – Mr. Peanut


Aunt Jemima


Mrs. Butterworth


King Vitamin


Cap'n Crunch

refereed by the honorable Quaker Oats Guy

"For tonight's spectacular doubleheader, we'll see the first women's match of the night with Jemima vs. Butterworth. These women have been trash talking all week, and the jive slang will continue in the ring. After three quick rounds, we'll see that these motherly women will decide that women shouldn't be boxing anyways, and cook everyone a grrrreat pancake breakfast.

In the second match, the Quaker boys will fight down to the wire. I have to say that my prediction is indeed based on the fact that King Vitamin is the most disgusting cereal that has ever been marketed to children. Cap'n Crunch will use crunch berries to get Vitamin on unsteady ground, and then crunchitize King Vitamin over the head with the King's own outdated looking cereal box. A grrreat lead-in to the final fight of the night."

The Greasy Red Headed Step Child Title Bout

Ronald McDonald



"The main event should be a doozy. After years of receiving passive agressive hatred from their parents, these fast food gingers have alot of energy coming into the ring. Ronald does have the size advantage on Wendy, but she will provide a huge challenge for Ronald with her speed and agility. This will be a fair fight for eight or nine rounds, but as Ronald starts to tire, all hell will break loose as the entire McDonald clan will jump into the ring. Hamburglar, Grimace, and Mayor McCheese all join in the fight, grabbing Wendy by her pigtails and sending her flying out of the ring while screaming that good food is more important than low prices.

Overall a tremendously grrrreat set of fights are on deck tonight, and I hope to see you all there at the fight. Also, be sure to tune in next week as Snap, Crackle, and Pop cook up a huge matchup against Keebler elves and Brawny Man will look to wipe up Mr. Clean!"