What's up now, boys and girls? Look who showed up to the Scholastic Book Fair
with $7.43 in coins. That's right: Jimmy Dunbar. Allow me a few moments to
peruse the merchandise before I decide which semi-educational treasures I'm
going to purchase with this sweet moolah. Miss Franklin recommends the Newbery
Award winners. F*ck, that seal looks regal. Wait a second, though
That's a lot of chapters. And there are, like, three illustrations, tops. And
none of them are funny. I need something that will make me the coolest kid
in class. I need a book that will pull more 3rd grade trim than The Giving
Tree. This book is only going to impress the librarian, and she is OLD.
We're talking at least 32.
What have we here? Clifford the Big Red Dog? A dog so big he can't fit
inside a house? That's pretty spectacular. But wait! A sponge who lives in
a pineapple? Priceless! Shit, each is $5.95. Which do I choose? Oh God I can't
decide! Kelsey! Quick! Pick a number between 1 and 100, but DO NOT tell me
what it is. Got it? Okay. Nate! Pick a number between 1 and 100. If your number
is higher than Kelsey's, I'm buying Clifford. If it's lower, I'm going with
the sponge. This is extremely important, Nate. What is your number?
62? Jesus, that's pretty high. Kelsey, what was yours? You forget? You forgot
which number you chose, you mega-brain-damaged gaybo? Oh wait, you remember?
YOUR NUMBER IS ALSO 62? You've got to be fucking kidding me, Kelsey. That's
unbelieveably coincidental. Now how am I supposed to decide?
I guess I'll just buy 26 of these pliable erasers shaped like elephants. No,
Kelsey, you may not have the pink one. And if any of you motherfuckers so much
as THINKS about touching one of these erasers, I swear to the God of Abraham
that I will tell Miss Franklin on you.
I'm going to use these to barter with that kid from 3C who bought $6.18 worth
of sticky neon hands.
978,533? That's pretty weak, Nate. Now, Kelsey, how many people have you had
sex with? YOU FORGET?! Kelsey, I'm going to murder you in your sleep on October
Oh, you remember? What is it? 978,533?! Kelsey, I would punch you in the cunt
right now, but you probably wouldn't even be able to feel it. You make my life
more difficult simply by existing. I hate you.
I guess I'll just buy 15 shot glasses with our school logo on them. No, Kelsey,
you may not ever borrow one. You'll probably just drop it because you forgot
how to hold things. And if you so much as THINK about touching one of these
shot glasses, I swear on the souls of your hundred thousand aborted babies
that I will tell my RA on you.
I'm going to use these to barter with the guy on my floor who bought $357.12
worth of beer coozies.