Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Truly the greatest enterprise to hit America since Ford or the musical institution that is Kenny Loggins. The Ninja Turtles were able to turn a simple cartoon into one of the greatest fads ever marketed to the youth, and I bought it. I was absolutely crazed over Ninja Turtles, especially the toys. These toys were unreal. No, not unreal, fucking EPIC. They aren't lame Dragonball Z or Pokemon toys, they are in their own stratosphere, they belong with the likes of Crossfire and Cows of Moo-Mesa. But forget the chatter, it's time to show what it was that made them truly great.

1988 Michaelangelo


This is a basic turtle, but shit, it's still better than half the toys the pussy kids play with today. Michelangelo is a walking action movie. He has more plastic weaponry than the set of Small Soldiers. Michelangelo will not only shove his nun chucks up Shredders tight asshole, he will poke your sissy kid's eyes out. Alright but enough with the soft stuff, time to dig in.


1988 Party Wagon


Party Wagon? Party Wagon? That is the understatement of the millennium. This wagon got rowdier than the 1988 Motley Crue tour bus. Look at Michelangelo in the side seat, god damn he is extreme. The only reason that Raphael is looking outside the wagon is because he and Splinter just finished running the train on April, and he wants a smoke. Verdit…PARTY FUCKIN' WAGON!


1989 Retrocatapult


Uh, what's retro about a metallic catapult with a giant turtle on it?

1989 Flushomatic


Incredible. I am speechless. How did Michelangelo not die in his teenage years? Nobody parties as hard as him. Give him a few bong rips, a couple shots of Jack, and he starts downing Leonardo's pizza filled shit and Raphael's used condoms from the toilet, pathetic (awesome).

1990 Leonardo's Sewer Force Sword


Parents, buy your kids this toy so they can tote around Leonardo's massive Sewer Cock while they battle imaginary foot soldiers and sodomize Shredder. This 90's brat probably Sewer Screwed his 5th grade science teacher with this serpent. Enjoy this quote from the toy's description: "This sewer snake sword features a turtle head handle…" I can see the geniuses at the marketing department right now: "Oh yeah, we should probably go ahead and say 'sewer snake' and 'turtle head' in the same sentence."

1990 Scumbug



At least David Lee Roth got his own toy.


1991 Raph, The Green Teen Beret


America baby! FUCK YEAH! If we could send this action figure to Iraq, every Iraqi citizen would be eating McDonald's and watching the NFL by now. Don't fuck with Raph, otherwise he is gonna shove that American flag down your pisshole and get his bright yellow dog to Cleveland Steamer your Iraqi chest. Here is a nice quote from the description: "Accessories: Whip Cream Pistol, Plunger Gun, Anti-Foot Flag, Biting Bulldog Buddy." Whip Cream Pistol? Raph is such a pro that he can take whippits before he ices your ass. The only thing that is missing from this list is a Taiwanese hooker and a kilo of blow, everyone knows that is what makes you a true soldier.

1992 Don's Sewer Squirter


Squirt, Squirt! Forget about 1995's: 'Super Shredders Nut Buster'. Don's Sewer Squirter is the epitome of Don's intellectual prowess. Your kid can go around shooting out hot, steamy pizza shit at all of his neighborhood rivals. Hell, he can even come into your room at night and give Dad a 'Hot Karl' he is likely never to forget. This is the reason that Shredder never defeats the Turtles, he doesn't have a regular Einstein like Don on his team. The only thing that Beebop and Rocksteady have ever come up with was the fetish sex tape they made with Krang and Casey Jones.

1992 Powerliftin' Don


1992 was truly Don's year. First, he invents the worlds second 'shit shooter' (second only to your own asshole after half a Hot Pocket) but now he is shootin' roids and shrinking his dick with the best of them. Don, always the most self conscious of the Turtles, has decided to bulk up in order to impress the family. This toy even includes a special 'roid rage' button on the back that makes Don go absolutely apeshit for a solid 10 minutes. (Not Included: Barry Bonds' personal trainer and testicles.)

1993 Farmer Mike


Yeehaw! Farmer Mike is here to stay. In what world would this be a legitimate idea? Honestly, where was the market for a farming Michelangelo? Christ, when I think of Ninja Turtles, the first thing that comes to my mind is DEFINITLY cow shit and wife beating. The great thing about this toy is what ISN'T pictured. Farmer Mike comes ready to live the farmer lifestyle with: Grand Wizard Klan Mask, Lynching Rope, 5th Grade Education, Tin of Skoal Chewing Tobacco, but most importantly, fully functional Meth Lab. If that isn't value, I don't know what is.

1993 Road Leo


What? If someone can tell me what this is, I would appreciate it. The description reads: "There's a new kind of mutation in town. A totally different kind of mutation. We're talking Turtles that mutate into vehicles! They just tuck in their Turtle-parts, flip out a fender and off they go." In other words, please excuse Leo while he tucks in his massive dong and turns into the biggest Transformers ripoff of all time. Why would I ever want to play with this minimum wage, blue-collar construction worker Leo, and his sissy fire truck? I am pretty sure that I am more interested in a Beetleborgs feature film at this point.

1994 Raph's Feudal Castle Playset


My lady! I beggest thou to purchase Raphael's extravagant Feudal Playset. I plan to woo you with my brazen sword and claim the kingdom of the Technodrome for us to rule in harmony!

1994 Cyber Shredder


Fuck Al Gore. Everyone knows that it was the high tech 'Cyber Shredder' who invented the internet. Well, he at least came up with Tub Girl and '3blackcocks1April.com'.

Ok folks, after 1994 is when I stopped playing with these toys, which transitively means that they started to suck. I may have been harsh on these toys, but it was strictly out of love, I spent a solid 98% of my childhood playing with them.