Each issue is funnier than the next.

Unwittingly Accurate Reactions to Unfortunate News
-"You're schizophrenic? that's insane!"
-"You have OCD? That's so neat!"
-"You got a vasectomy? That's nuts!"
State Trivia
Did you know that the flag of Texas has only one star on it? It's Steve Guttenberg.
Dinner
When I go out for dinner I like to order steak, because it's the only meal that comes with a compliment from the waiter: "Here's your steak, well done".
NASCAR is a lot like life
It's long, boring, loud, it goes around in circles forever and you are always surrounded by idiots.
Reasons why Seth Rogen and James Franco smoked weed on the MTV Movie Awards
1. To forget that they appeared on the MTV Movie Awards
2. To make the MTV Movie Awards seem funnier than it really is
3. To be too baked to accept an invitation to the Teen Choice Awards
Convicted Felon Humor
I think if you rape an ape, you should be called an apist. I don't want people thinking I rape women, that's just sick.

Steve Jobs Keynote Speech Excerpts if Apple Existed in…
1442: "This is a printing press, it is a bookbindery, it is an iron plate, and best of all — it can do all three in a single day."
1892: "Zinc casing. Carbon Granule Transmitting. This tele-phone does it all, and guess what, it only costs 2 cents." (Roughly $9.1M today.)
1964: "One more thing… this computer is only 9 feet thick and is barely audible three houses away."
How Much Ya Bench?
I don't know. About once a month?
Phrases that lose all meaning in the afterlife
- This cake is so good, I'm in heaven.
- Thank you so much, you're a saint.
- He's with God now.