Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
How My Friends and I Appear to My Grandma
June 12, 2008
Hey Lucas, what do you want to do tonight?
The same thing I want to do every night: have some of your Grandmama's delicious cherry pie with coo' whip.
Mmm mmm, I declare, nothing is more satisfying than my Grandmama's cherry pie with coo' whip. How many dollops of coo' whip are you going to have?
Two, but I might sneak in an extra one if she ain't lookin'.
You know, besides occasionally taking more food than we are allotted, we are angels.
That's right, even our colored friend Trey. All's equal nowadays.
You know what I really want to do besides, of course, have cherry pie with coo' whip?
Hear about what's been ailing your Grandmama lately.
Remember that time she showed us her cataract eye? It was like looking into a crystal ball. Who needs arcades or googles when you have your own personal crystal ball living in the den?
That was great. My personal favorite, though, was when she told us about the fluid in her knee. I still can't have cream with my coffee!
Y'all talking about Steve's Grandmama's ailments and whatnot?
Back off, jag-toothed jezebel. Buy yourself a bus ticket back to Sodom, and take your purse full of aborted fetuses with you.
Can you believe her, trying to corrupt us goodhearted boys? By my estimation, I've never even
at a girl inappropriately.
Yeah, I don't even think I know what a girl is.
So that's what those are. Do you know what I am sure of, though?
That I have the world's greatest grandmother. I purchased her a mug telling her so, which she proudly displays on her mantle. The mug is a statement of fact, that nowhere in the world does there exist a single grandmother who rivals mine. There's just something about her totally underwhelming perfume and her desire to lay with Jack Nicklaus that puts her above the rest.
Here's to your Grandmama!
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.