Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Why The Superman/Batman Movie Will Never Happen
June 15, 2008
Fade in on the Gotham City Police Department. Batman addresses Commissioner Jim Gordon and his officers.
There's no time to waste. Two-Face is holding the Second National Bank hostage, and we-
Superman bursts in.
Yo, Bruce-man, sorry I'm late. What's the sitch?
Well, as I wrote in the comprehensive brief I sent out-
Oh, no worries, totally glanced over that. Double-Face, right? What's his deal again? Laser eyes? Super-speed?
No, he's, um, obsessed with the number two.
Ha! No, seriously. What's he do? Mind control?
Well, he also has this skin condition.
Are you f*cking kidding me? One sec.
Superman crashes out through the wall.
Actually, the skin thing is more of a metaphor for the duality of-
Superman flies back in, carrying a handcuffed Two-Face.
Also, while I was out, I went ahead and stopped crime. All of it.
But- The mission- My parents-
Dude, no worries, you can totally lighten up now.
A single tear emerges from under Batman's cowl.
Anyway, I'm headed to Cabo. Anybody want a lift?
A cop tentatively raises his hand.
Um, yeah, sorry man, when I said, "anybody," I was really only talking to the chicks in the room. Any takers? No? Ah, well your loss. Later!
Superman crashes through the other wall. Roll credits.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.