So I was doing some research the other day, aka watching Hungarian porn, (it was a midget actually getting lowered inside of a woman) and it came to me, porn is lacking personalities these days. The women get to have some fun in constructing lavish names and sometimes persona's, but the men don't really get to do much. Well forget that. As a bro, I would want the freedom to lay the pipes any way I deem acceptable. I decided to come up with some of the personalities that I would like to see enter the world of porn, just to give it some spice, to make it fresh again. I can only jerk off to zero gravity double penetration three or four more times. Anyway, enjoy.


Name: Dicktective Max Fear

Bio: Max Fear is the cities top cock. He lays down the law the only way he knows how, hard core anal. You won't have to wait until you get to the pen to get your salad tossed, Max Fear will do it in the back of the squad car.

Best Film: Obey the Law, or Obey his Cock 4

Signature Move: The Cavity Search


Name: Philip K. Bendherover

Bio: The Law Offices of Bendherover and Stein are now open. Philip will fill a case the moment it is opened. He has successfully sued over 400 times, and been sued only once himself. What for? Reckless penile endangerment and possession of a venomous snake. This case was dismissed on the grounds of being blessed by nature.

Best Film: Cockrane and Me: The Philip K. Bendherover story

Signature Move: The Hung Jury


Name: Charlton Hezton

Bio: Half man, half ape, all dick. Charlton Hezton doesn't speak much English, but his junk does. Women get lost in his chest hair that doubles as a reservoir for misfired splooge. He may not speak much english, but he knows the only phrase that matters: 'Prepare for entry!'.

Best Film: Triple Vag, Triple Ass, Singular Pleasure 18

Signature Move: Erectile Evolution


Name: The Hamburglar

Bio: Porn's fattest star, also has porn's best stroke. The Hamburglar is no joke in the sack, but watch out, always be on top with the Hamburglar or you could be lost forever. In a haze of fat and sensuality, Hamburglar doesn't climax, he goes into cardiac arrest.

Best Film: The Fat and the Furious 7: Fill Er' With Gravy

Signature Move: Just find his dick first


Name: Steve Normaldick

Bio: The only guy to get into porno based on his acting skills, but there was one problem, he has a normal dick. Instead of packing a lead pipe in his pants, he keeps it real, he keeps it – AVERAGE. He cums early, but he ALWAYS cums. His money shot is so potent that he doubled as a special effects contributer on the movie Flubber.

Best Film: Uncircumcised 3: Find the Lint

Signature Move: Socks On-Pink Sock


Name: Tyranasarous Sex

Bio: This is my brain-child, my true dream, a porno with a dinosaur. Don't be bashful, don't be ashamed, we have ALL dreamed of this. I am talking about a full on T-Rex slamming chicks relentlessly, or until he wants to go eat something. It is as simple as that.

Best Film: The Land Before Condoms 8: Make Babies and Run

Signature Move: Uh? Being a T-Rex and having sex with a chick, I think.
Those are just a few of the ideas I have had along the way about which porn name I would adopt. I hope you liked them, and if you can think of anything else, post a comment.