(Originally read to the tune of Baz Luhrmann's "Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)."

Ladies and Gentlemen of the graduating class of 2008: I speak to you today as a messenger from the future.  Yes, I am you in 730 days.  The only difference is that I have bigger ears and have kissed far fewer girls due to my inability to shut up, ever.  But anyway, I have come to warn you about the college life you will embark on as you leave high school.  It's pretty much as good as everyone says.  And while I understand that this is a time for excitement, there are some things you should know.  So listen up.


Going to college is the biggest increase in your chances to have sex since—-I don't know, ever.  If getting laid is a junior high dance, freshman year is Stairway to Heaven.  But for the record, you're already four minutes in and doing that thing where you look around the cafeteria pretending your dance partner is across the room.  He or she is NOT next to the Fruitopia machine.

Girls who were really guarded in high school will be extremely slutty in college.  Girls who were extremely slutty in high school will remain, well, extremely slutty.  When you return home these same girls will still NOT blow you.

All that masturbating you do now in private?  Forget it.  You're gonna have to be creative, mister.  Make sure your class schedule is different than your roommate's.

The girls you're sitting next to right now will gain weight.  You won't even notice it to be honest…until you come home, that is.  You'll hug them and realize, just like Miss Clavelle, that something is not right.  Boys, you're not immune to this either.  Remember I said this when you're trying to drink an entire rack of Natty Ice by yourself.

The coolest frat on campus will rape you.  And that doesn't just go for girls.  Bros, I'm looking at you.

Ladies:  One word.  Spandex.  You're going to need it…and not just one pair either.  Like a lot.  So take that graduation money and invest it solely in pairs of spandex pants and big sunglasses.  Trust me, it may seem silly now but when you're sitting within the cushy 4 walls of Tri-Delt it will seem like the best.  decision.  ever.

Don't brag about how much you don't go to class.  Unless you're majoring in douchenomics.  

Guess who drinks in college.  Recent polls show the number to be somewhere between everyone and everyone.  So, don't brag about how much you drink.  Your school DOES NOT pregame harder than anyone else's school parties.  In fact, no one fucking cares whose school pregames harder because everyone is too busy getting shitfaced and trying to get laid by stalking people on Facebook.

And speaking of Facebook, congratulations on being the first class that has really used it throughout high school.  We're excited to have you.  You know, kinda.

Maybe you'll pop your collar, maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll have a shitty roommate, maybe you won't.

Maybe you'll transfer back home to community college.  You probably will.

But regardless, take pride in the fact that you are going to college.  If anyone gives you shit about anything, fuck them…slap them with your Coach purse.  You can buy their soul.

But back to Facebook.  A word of advice: the 100 or so friends you'll have at your college before you go…you'll never meet them. By the way, congratulations on being the millionth person who thinks a group about Derek Zoolander's Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too is funny.  Also, you've done a great job saving Darfur and getting Ron Paul elected.

Don't room with your high school friends.  I mean it will seem like a good idea at first, but it won't be all that great when you're sitting around in your letterman jacket, playing Xbox, and crying into a can of Keystone as you all talk about how great things were in high school.  That huge pack of condoms you bought will go unused.

Your high school girlfriend/boyfriend is cheating on you.  I don't even mean this as a joke…they just probably are.

Your SAT scores matter precisely dick.

Your AP scores matter precisely dick.

The fact that you're saving it until marriage matters, you guessed it, precisely dick.

Your moms are going to pack a ton of shit with you that you will never EVER use.  All that bottle of Windex is good for is washing down 20 Advil when you inevitably realize that quoting Dane Cook and talking like Borat won't make you friends.  (It's not niiiicce!)

Let me tell what your first conversation will be like with everyone:
You: Hi.
Person: Hi.
You: I like Dave Matthews.
Person: Holy shit, I like Dave Matthews too!

The 12 minute live version of Jimi Thing immediately following this exchange will forge semester long friendships.

You'll live in a world where the goal of sports is no longer to get on the cover of the local paper.  In fact, you'll have a school newspaper…and many times the reporting will be shittier than the local rag.  I know, I didn't think it was possible either.  In fact, many of you won't even play sports…but you'll follow your school's teams with vigor.  Girls, and this hard to imagine now I know, but you will literally shit if one of the players on your school's basketball team confirms your pending friend request.  Actually, that's only if you go to a D-1 school.  But either way remember that 20,000 people don't come to watch you take a science test.  So don't go getting all crazy.

Everyone is going to tell you this, but don't hook up with someone on your floor.  It'll seem great at first…but when you're ducking in and out of elevators like Jack Bauer for the next 3 months you'll see why everyone advised again it.

You're going hook up with an ugo, it'll be funny…to everyone but you.

Don't go back to your high school Columbus day weekend.  Don't come back at all, for that matter.  Especially not your first year.  It may seem cool…well, actually, that's a lie.  It doesn't even seem cool.  

Don't freak out.  You're all going to be fine.  Time and time again I hear people talking about "this being it" and "the end being near."  Yeah, the end of high school is near but the rest of your life is just beginning!  Look fondly upon your time here, but if you think these are the best times of your life then I feel bad for you.  Your life sucks.  Things are only going to get better, I promise.  You have your wedding to look forward to, getting a sweet job, and having your first child.  For the last one, some of you will share in that experience sooner than others…so, wrap it up.

And, finally, no one is dying.  So these tearful goodbyes and all that stuff…forget it.  You're all going to be back in 3 months and you'll end up sitting in the same basements you sit now, drinking the same beer, wishing you were back at college.  It's a sick cycle, people.

Well, I'm done and so are you.  Congratulations once again.  Feel free to poke me on Facebook.


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