This week in Hollywood was about as exciting as The Love Guru was funny, but that movie got made, and so must this column. Please direct all negative comments to Mike Myers. I'm sure he's not tired of hearing them yet. (NY Times)

First and foremost, Jamie Lynn Spears (Britney's sister) had a baby this week. The baby came out already pregnant, just to save the Spears family 16 years of suspense. (IDLYITW)

Steve Gutenberg went apesh*t on some paparazzi this week, and we have the epic pictures to prove it. Move over, Chuck Norris, I have a new hero. Steve Gutenberg teeth are so white, when he smiles at blind people they see God. (Celebslam)

A voicemail leaked this week from Charlie Sheen to ex-wife and mortal enemy Denise Richards, in which Charlie calls Denise the n-word. Don't worry, Charlie. Steve Gutenberg doesn't recognize race, either. From his POV we are all a color similar to magenta that he has dubbed 'fantastaberry.' (DListed)

I have some good news, and some bad news. Good news: P. Diddy waxes his balls. Bad news: somewhere in Hollywood is a ball-waxer who makes more money than you. Extra bad news: you are now picturing Diddy's silky smooth balls. (WWTDD)

R. Kelly was found not guilty this week of child pornography. Sources say that the jury was moved by his twenty two chapter, completely nonsensical closing speech, and the judge delivered his verdict after Kelly pissed on the stenographer. (WWTDD)

Kate Beckinsale had the producers of her latest movie hire a butt double for her shower scene, because she thinks her butt is fat. She also had the producers buy a huge net to drape around the set, in order to keep out the dragons, and her trailer is elevated three feet higher than the rest so the leprechauns can't see in her windows. (Celebslam)

Kate Moss hit the town in Turkey this week, sporting a completely see-through dress with no bra. Thanks to her thoughtful activism, Turkish men finally saw the error of their ways and held a countrywide burka-burning. That, or she insulted the traditions of an entire country. Either way. (Sidenote: wouldn't Turka Burka be a great name for a burka store in Turkey? BRB, gotta go quit my job.) (IDLYITW)

And now, more boobs! This has to be one of the hottest photoshoots I've ever seen, and trust me, my cousins have sent me a LOT of baby pictures. (Egotastic)

Me: Pop quiz, hot shot. We have topless pictures of your girlfriend. What do you do? What do you do?
Keanu Reeves: I guess put them up. (Egotastic)

Reason #212945 why you should be glad you don't live in Japan. Not only would you inevitably be drafted for some painful and pointless game show, but you would be into old person porn. Reason #212946: fish markets. (DListed)

I know I've mentioned this before, but holy shit does Kim Kardashian's ass have a mind of its own. I'm pretty sure it's the next step in human evolution. (Hollywood Tuna)

And last but not least, the coveted "Still Got It" award this week goes to Nikki Cox. In case you don't recognize the name, here is her before, and here is her now. Upgrade! (Google Image Search, WWTDD)